5 Reasons Why I'm Not Blogging

free stock image from Haute Chocolate

I would like to believe that it hasn’t been two months since my last post, but alas, it has been. Is it just me or does time fly by much faster than it used to?  It’s Tuesday, I blink, and now it’s Monday of the following week.

I have not forgotten you, dear one. In fact, if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you most likely notice that it looks different. And just to break it down, there’s a list of reasons why I haven’t blogged and I hope some of those reasons make you happy! They are as follows:

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #1: My Health

One of the most maddening, frustrating, and downright disappointing realities of living with chronic illness is not being able to do all the things I want to do, or even half of them for that matter. I have been home-bound more this year than I have since I first went on medical leave (and many days I am bed-bound). I’ve had to monitor my spoons very carefully, but frankly, I suck at it. Truly. Time management was never one of my strengths and energy management is, apparently, not a strength of mine, either. 

I’ve also been dealing with some personal things, emotional things, and I'm a little overwhelmed. I’ve had a lot on my plate and there are many days I barely get through. Without the Lord and my faith… oh my! I could not get through without Him. He is faithful (even when I'm not!) and He is good to me. He helps me keep my head up when I'm tired of hurting and tired of being behind and when overwhelm threatens my sanity. He helps me stay focused on this blog, poor health and all, and for that I'm grateful.

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #2: My Blog Design

I started this blog in 2011 as a hobby. I wanted fun and colors and pretty, which is fine, but I’ve not been connecting and relating to my blog at all. It hasn’t been something I’ve been excited to share with people. I haven’t felt that my blog represented me well or the content I wish to share. And I will admit to being a bit embarrassed by it. There, I said it! And while I have plans for a new website with fancy buttons and features, it’s currently not in my budget so I’m behind the scenes (still) learning how much I can do with what I got. The best part: You’ll be able to navigate through different pages to find the content that interests you!

And that takes me to the next reason I’m not blogging:

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #3: My Blog Content

My last post on giving up soda received more than double the views than any of my previous posts in six years. The information was important to you. It had value and I don’t want to waste your time (or my own) blogging random blather. As I empower myself to live fully in spite of fibromyalgia, by learning about natural living and natural medicine, I want to share what I’m learning with you so that you can also be empowered to make your own decisions about your health and the health of your family.

If you’re going to spend your precious time reading the content on my blog then I want to give you something valuable and helpful in your life with that content. And I have lots of printables planned and can’t wait to give them to you, as well!

Reason I’m Not Blogging #4: My Faith & Being Authentic

I’ve been reading some wonderful blogs written by faithful women of God and I’m so grateful to have found them (thank you, Pinterest!). These women encourage me in my struggles and they inspire me in my walk with the Lord. They keep me in His Word and they help me put one foot in front of the other.

free stock image from Haute Chocolate

I was once asked by a professor who was supposed to be recruiting me for a Masters of Higher Education program if I had ever thought about seminary. He said that I had such a passion for the Word of God that I really should consider it. This professor who knew me for 15 minutes understood me and my faith better than people that have known me forever. I was authentic in my conversations with him and reading the blogs of these women, it has made me see that I have not been authentic when it comes to my faith. I have not been authentic in a lot of ways and I believe it’s because I have been caught between two worlds and I’m still trying to figure out who I am.

Prior to 2009, I was not a Christian. If I heard the name “Jesus” I would roll my eyes. I was filled with pain and sorrow for all the traumas in my life and I was so angry at God. I found a letter I began writing to Him back in the 90’s. It was tucked inside The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Writing a letter to God was one of the writing assignments she gives in the book. My letter began, “Dear God, I hate you so I must believe you exist.”

You can imagine that the life I lived then was very dark and quite the opposite of biblical standards… and then I became a Christian. Most of my family and closest friends do not share my beliefs and I often find myself reverting back to who I was before Christ when I am around them. Not intentionally, but out of habit.

For years I have been trying to figure out who I am, the pre-Christ-following Kathy or the Jesus-loving Kathy. The truth is, I’m both of them and I always will be, but I’m learning to live a life where the two mesh and I am real. I know living with a chronic health condition these last six years adds to my confusion, but I imagine when I get there, I’ll be much more confident than I am today for I will know without a doubt who God created me to be. Until that time, I’m learning to live authentically in my skin and these wonderful Christian bloggers - they are my teachers.

And the Last Reason I’m Not Blogging (#5): My Fried Brain

I was an honor student in college. I graduated with a 3.85 GPA because I turned two papers in late. The reason I turned them in late was because I had already started struggling with fibromyalgia only I didn’t know it because it took ten months to figure it out. Ten months of seeing every specialist on the planet, having every poke-me-prod-me tests that the insurance would actually cover, working a stressful full-time job, working a part-time job, volunteering with high-risk youth, and taking classes.

Whew! How did I ever do all that? I’m exhausted just typing it! “There but for the grace of God go I…”

I have an IQ in the 130’s (have? had… before fibro?). I don’t say that to brag, but to point out that college was easy for me. I love school. I love learning. I love planting my nose in a book and seeing the world. I love the exactitude of math and the words of … well, everything and every subject. I’m as bad in an office supply store as I am in a bookstore. Yes, I am a geek, but I’m a happy geek!

The only time school was hard for me was when I was procrastinating, but high IQ or not, throw fibromyalgia into the mix and I’m a drunk six-year old. It’s called “fibro-fog.”

Fibro-fog has ruined my life more than the pain ever could. People don’t understand this. I have been asked if I was drunk when I was totally sober. Really. People who meet me for the first time during a fog think I’m an idiot (it does wonders for my dating life). When the fibro-fog rolls in, nothing gets done. I’m distracted, forgetful, and seriously cognitively challenged. When fibro-fog rolls in, I can become disoriented and confused. I have forgotten how to use my microwave in a fog, the microwave I’ve had for ten years. When fibro-fog rolls in, I can’t carry on a conversation. This I wish people would get instead of getting upset at me because I’m hard to get on the phone or I take so long to call them back. Speaking takes at least two spoons, sometimes more. I mix people up, forget friends’ names, forget what that thing in front of me is called (it was a garbage can).

I’ll get off my soap box now. There’s a great article on The Mighty where fibromyalgia sufferers explain what fibro-fog feels like. I highly recommend it if you would like to understand this better.

So all this being said, in between bouts of weakness, pain, fatigue, and cognitive shut-downs, I’m trying to research technical things. Technical things.

Side note: I repel technology. Every gadget I’ve ever owned malfunctions. Laptops, cell phones, tablets… If you don’t believe me, you can ask my friend Deb. I was at her house last week and we were going to watch a movie. Now this girl’s got ALL the gadgets. Her TV is the size of my car and she’s got some fancy Amazon contraption that allows her to watch movies that are currently playing in the theaters from the comfort of her couch.

I’m telling you, that fancy thing wouldn’t work with me in the house. It froze up. The little thinking circle just kept spinning and spinning. She tried rebooting it. Still didn’t work. She said it’s never done that before, she’s never seen it do that and I might need to go home so she can watch a movie. (Ah, she was teasing!) I was happy I finally had confirmation of what I’ve already been suspicioned of (yes, I made that word up). I repel technology and technology doesn’t like me.

I repel technology and all these gadgets and gizmos are like little aliens invading my planet. I still have cassette tapes and a stereo to play them in. I still have VHS tapes and a player for them, as well. I miss my flip-top phone and as for blogging – Ha! It is taking me some time to learn this stuff. Fibro-fog, technology repellanter (another made up word – fogs rollin’ in), these make for some mentally strenuous days (aka: using a lot of spoons).

I hope some of these reasons why I haven't been blogging make you excited by what's to come! As I work behind the scenes to create a blog that helps us both live healthier and more authentic lives, please be patient with me and know I’m thinking about you and praying you are well.

It's A Nice Idea

I saw an advertisement today for a fibromyalgia and chronic pain support group. The joke between me and my fellow spoonies is that it's a nice idea, but who has the energy to go? I couldn't help myself and created a picture for my Chronic Humor board:

Have a blessed day!

A New Day and the Sun is Shining

Since my last post, things have changed quite rapidly in my health. I believe that because I finally faced my fears and shared transparently in this blog, many have been praying for me. For those of you faithful friends, I thank you more than I can say. I had a reassessment of my muscle strength last week and I have improved at 23%. Let me add that when I first began seeing this doctor, some of my muscles were only working at 16-25%. My doctor said that at first assessment, he wants 25-35% improvement, but for the condition that I was in, 23% is really good.

In addition to this, my lower back pain has subsided enough that I am being weaned off the back brace. As I type this now, I am free of it and I credit your prayers for this. I still wear it a little each day, but I am amazed that I can drive and sit without it and without the excruciating pain of doing so.

Side note: A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia. To make matters worse, she overheard her boss say that fibromyalgia is not a real condition, but is in the head. I want to smack people who say this, especially since the ones who say this are typically the ones with no medical education. My new doctor, the one who has helped me so much, did his dissertation on fibromyalgia. I'd like these ignorant people to tell him it isn't a real condition. I'd like these people to feel my physical pain and to live with the impossible, debilitating fatigue that has plagued me these last years for just one day. One day and they would change their tunes.

While there is no way to "test for" fibromyalgia, it is assumed that the physical injury I sustained in my lower back is what produced this enigmatic condition in me - and people, it is NOT in my head! Anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to be idle. I was a very active woman, one who has worked one or two jobs while attending college and getting A's and volunteering and having an active social life. I danced, I ran, I worked out. Being laid up in bed is not my idea of a good time, especially when the fatigue has even kept me from reading my beloved books. Again, anyone who knows me knows if I'm not out and about, my nose is in a book, but sometimes, even books are kept from me because the fibro-fog makes it impossible to focus.

Anyway, back to the good news...

So then I had a follow-up with my PCP. He is overseeing the medical leave and has been my doctor since before the back injury. He said, "In three years, this is the most positive appointment we've had." I realized then that he has never seen me in any other mood than miserable in three years. Sad, miserable, crying - this is all he has known of me. So many tests and exams and drugs and doctor referrals... But on Tuesday, he was smiling, I was smiling... 

AND he is allowing me to go back to work part-time, two four-hour shifts a week! I went straight to work and let my boss know. There really isn't anything he could do, however, since my position has been filled, but he sent me to his boss and that was encouraging because his boss is the pastor who has walked with me through this whole ordeal. He has helped me in so many ways over the months and he told me, "You have made my day." He was smiling, I was smiling...

He said he will check with our department heads to see if there are any gaps I can fill for eight hours a week. All empty positions were eliminated due to budget cuts, but no matter what the outcome, I am trusting God. I haven't been paid in over three months because one UPMC office has held up my disability claim. I won't get into the ridiculousness of it all because my feelings about the incompetence of UPMC will have me flying through the roof, so let me just share that I have instead learned to lean on God and trust in Him and His provision. Until this month, all my bills have been paid, but trusting in Him also includes whether or not a position is found for me at my current/previous job or whether God has something else for me. I have only been praying about being obedient to Him and doing His Will, not Kathy's will. I still think He has some stuff for me to learn about taking it easy because I was doing so much on Tuesday and Wednesday that I couldn't get out of bed on Thursday and most of Friday. The hurricane weather those two days didn't help, I'm sure, but I know I still have a tendency to overdue it, especially on the days I feel good and hopeful. Yesterday, I was depressed about it, about the debilitating fatigue hitting me again. But today, today is a new day, and the sun is shining.

My Bed, My Brace, & My Burden

There are many days I rarely leave my bed. In the midst of the good and the bad, it has become my place - my place of peace, my place of pity; the place I want to be most on the good days and least on the bad. I begrudge my bed when I have no choice but to be here and delight in it when I am able to choose it of my own cognition.

On days like today, it is with apathy that I am here typing. My body is as it always is, sluggish and thick, and I fantasize there is someone who will soon bring me coffee. But there is no one so I pop a couple Excedrin with the bottled water on my nightstand knowing the caffeine injection will shortly give me a gust. Then will I be able to rise from my bed and hobble my way down the stairs to the coffee pot or the Klondikes or the new scenery. What I want most is to shower, but it is too much too soon and so I sit in my stink until my body gives me the okay to exert the energy a shower requires.

For too long, I can't sit without my brace. As I tried exercising without a therapist and tried rinsing out my tub without a clue, I sat last Thursday without my brace. Feeling strong, feeling the pain scale of nine reduced to a five, I wanted to be ... me. The me I once was, active, strong, but the brace that was such a blessing and brought me such joy is now a noose around my neck; a monkey on my back, and I spent three days back up the scale at nine.

I am impatient. I want to be free of it. I want to be free of this body that is such a contradiction to my mind. I want to run and dance and walk with grace. I want to speak my mind at the time I want to speak it, to free the imprisoned words and memories held without ransom behind some invisible shroud. I want my friends to remember who I am, to remember I exist, or I want to make new ones in a world I haven't seen for awhile. I want to work and play and write and learn. I want to care about something, and I really, really want to take a shower.

Sigh, Whatever.

It has been a long, stressful week and I feel it.  Unable to sleep when inflammation rules it's ugly head, I'm awake but only halfway functioning.  Work has been so stressful this week and I see now how the effects of stress turn my body into a shaky, weak mess.  I've been so fatigued this week and angry about it.  Do you know I went to the grocery store and when I came out to my car afterwards, my car door was wide open.  I left my car door open!  My brain is so clouded with whatever disease my body is fighting and I am just angry about it!

I've been back on the prednisone (self-prescribed this time) because I can't stand not being able to function at a hundred percent.  When I'm on the prednisone is the only time I have enough energy to get through the work day, but I hate taking it.  I weened myself off it (yet again) like to doctors showed me, praying that this time would be for good.  But one week off of it, I am tired and weak and so sad about it. 

I've worked so hard to change my diet and get my rest and to think positive.  Touting "I'm not claiming whatever is going on with my body" and telling anyone who cares to listen that my goal is to be off at least four of the seven meds I take daily by Labor Day.  I'm studying Scripture, praying more not just for myself but mostly for others, gave up so many foods and drinks.  I've been back to church the last two weeks, taking the Treasures of Healthy Living bible study class (which I absolutely love and recommend).  I'm very strict with my time, staying home to rest so much more, yet I am tired today and the stress of work does not help.  Even as I type this, my arms and hands feel droopy and strained from the effort.  My mind, wide awake, my body still asleep.

Each day this week has been challenging, yet I say nothing at work because no longer do I want to voice those words.  But they are in my head and on my heart and I'm missing hours as it is because I've gotten up so late in the mornings.  Mornings just suck, my body dragging, my mind murky.  I contemplate missing work today, but my paid time off is already sparse and I paid $20 for a ticket to this evening's festivities.  I don't want to go, but I promised a friend we'd go together.  Okay, I practically begged her to be my date so I feel obligated, but I don't think I can do it.  I don't think I can do another evening in the heat (Tuesday, I had free tickets to the game and took one of my foster girls).

Anyway, I'm just done.  I'm just done. Whatever.

Wait for His Signal

I have been up since shortly after 3am, both yesterday and today.  My doctor tells me it is the inflammation and this week, I believe it.  My hands hurt worse this week than they ever have.  They hurt and the discomfort has spread to my arms, and I know the reason my sleeping pills aren't working this week is because I am having a "flare-up."  My house has many, many stairs (NOTE TO SELF: next time, buy a ranch), and my body, legs especially, hurts each time I have to go up and down.

I have to have more blood work, this time to check my muscles.  I should have had it done after my appointment on Monday, but had left my wallet on my kitchen counter and didn't have my ID with me.  I haven't been racing to get round 5 or 6 (I've lost count) of the blood work done.  It'll just be more time away from work and I've already gone through half my personal and vacation days just for doctor appointments and days when all I could do was sleep.

All I want to think about is finishing tonight, my last day of undergrad, but really I'm thinking, "How will I write that essay question?"  My hands hurt, but typing isn't as painful as writing.  Typing I can do with three fingers (tap, tap), but writing will require me to hold a pencil and write an essay question or two as that is how our chemistry exams always end.  But I know I will get through it, pain and all, no matter how long it takes me to write that essay.  I know I will get through it because God has gotten me through the last five years.  What is one more day to Him?

As I ponder my future on this last day of undergrad, my devotion today was about following God's schedule.  I love how perfectly He does that through my devotions.  I've been asking Him about my future, my desire to continue and get a Masters, my desire to rest, my lack of desire in paying the massive student loan debt in 6 months time (debt that I cannot afford on my current salary).  Do I get a roommate I don't really want, a part-time job I don't think I can physically handle, a new full-time job when I'm quite happy where I'm at, defer it some more by adding more debt through a Masters program?  My In Touch devotion today is actually yesterday's devotion, but I didn't read it yesterday.  I read it today and it is fitting: "Submitting to God's timetable requires faith and courage.  Believe in the goodness of His heart and His plans - and determine to wait until He gives the signal to move forward."  And as I type this today, tap tap with pain in my hands, I am submitting to do just that.  To rest and unwind, and wait for His signal.

As Christians, we feel we must go, go, go in a constant flurry of ministry work.  Families, jobs, church, and who knows what, there comes a time that we need to cease "being fruitful" and rest in Him.  There comes a time that our fruit may look delicious on the outside, but is a little rotten and bug-infested on the inside.  Then we wonder why we can't hear God.  Where is God?  I have worked so hard growing this fruit for Him, why is He letting it rot?

Dear Readers, as I get through my last day of school, I begin tomorrow to rest in Him.  God has been pointing to this (like, with neon lights right in front of my face) all week.  Maybe even longer, but He knows it takes a bit of time for me to actually listen to Him (stubborn Sicilian).  Anyway, as I committ to taking a break from obligations this summer, I gladly look forward to spending time in the sun seeking Him and I pray that you will also know when He is telling you to rest and unwind, and wait for His signal.

In My Weakness...

I have been so drained these last couple of weeks.  Even taking a few days off from work did not refresh me as I worked hard to catch up on my life (taxes, laundry, vacuuming, homework).  I assume I had a "flare up" of this autoimmune disease and ended up taking work off on Tuesday.  My body just felt so weak that even holding a book was tiresome.  It is so frustrating to me, I can't tell you.  I dread getting in the shower because it literally exhausts me.  When I get out, my heart is beating like I ran a race and my breathing is labored. 

When I first got this diagnosis, I was so angry.  Actually, I was a lot of emotions and kept looking back over the past few years and feeling like it was so unfair.  All the doctor visits and tests and surgeries and medications... for approximately five years, I worked full-time, sometimes part-time, as well, and attended college.  At the community college, I was VP of Service for Phi Theta Kappa International Honors Society and also a college ambassador.  I had times that I would get so wiped out I would spend my days off sleeping, but who wouldn't with that crazy load?! 

As time went on and I transferred to Geneva, I found myself doing less and less, only I didn't know why.  Why couldn't I do all the things I used to?  Why am I so worn out?  Why do I always feel like crap?  All I knew was that life became a struggle.

Then finally, a diagnosis, and while there was relief to finally know why I have struggled so much, I was angry at all I've been through.  How ironic, I thought, that the medicine won't start working until I graduate.  I was angry that I have pushed myself so hard over the years, struggling and struggling to maintain the pace I once did and having no one to help me.  I was angry at the stupid doctors that sent me for test after test after test with no relief.  I felt like they weren't listening to me.  I felt like they didn't believe me.  I constantly worried over work, missing it or not performing well.  Why did I have to go through all of this?  How many days have I laid in bed crying because I was exhausted and overwhelmed, not knowing I was sick.  I felt as though something inside me died only I didn't know what died or why it died.

This morning, I was praying, not about this, but thanking God for helping me write a paper this morning, one I didn't think I would get done.  He woke me up at 4:30am and I stayed up and wrote this paper when I had no intention to.  I had made my pot of African tea and sat down to read Scripture but this paper came to my head and I wrote it.  So I was thanking Him because I know it was God helping me and then it occurred to me:  He has always been helping me.  Through the agony of the last few years, I thought I was alone, but I wasn't.  God was with me, sustaining me.  I graduate in 16 days and 8 hours and 52 minutes (but who's counting?!) and it is because of HIM.  I will be graduating with somewhere around a 3.8 GPA and it is all because of HIM.  God got me through.  On days I couldn't do anymore, He gave me what I needed to accomplish what I needed to.  God in His unfailing love and grace sustained me.  In my weakness, I was strong (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I just really wanted to share that with you today and hope it encourages you.  God is with you always, dear friend, and He will sustain you always, even when you don't realize it.  Thank You, Jesus!