5 Reasons Why I'm Not Blogging

free stock image from Haute Chocolate

I would like to believe that it hasn’t been two months since my last post, but alas, it has been. Is it just me or does time fly by much faster than it used to?  It’s Tuesday, I blink, and now it’s Monday of the following week.

I have not forgotten you, dear one. In fact, if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you most likely notice that it looks different. And just to break it down, there’s a list of reasons why I haven’t blogged and I hope some of those reasons make you happy! They are as follows:

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #1: My Health

One of the most maddening, frustrating, and downright disappointing realities of living with chronic illness is not being able to do all the things I want to do, or even half of them for that matter. I have been home-bound more this year than I have since I first went on medical leave (and many days I am bed-bound). I’ve had to monitor my spoons very carefully, but frankly, I suck at it. Truly. Time management was never one of my strengths and energy management is, apparently, not a strength of mine, either. 

I’ve also been dealing with some personal things, emotional things, and I'm a little overwhelmed. I’ve had a lot on my plate and there are many days I barely get through. Without the Lord and my faith… oh my! I could not get through without Him. He is faithful (even when I'm not!) and He is good to me. He helps me keep my head up when I'm tired of hurting and tired of being behind and when overwhelm threatens my sanity. He helps me stay focused on this blog, poor health and all, and for that I'm grateful.

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #2: My Blog Design

I started this blog in 2011 as a hobby. I wanted fun and colors and pretty, which is fine, but I’ve not been connecting and relating to my blog at all. It hasn’t been something I’ve been excited to share with people. I haven’t felt that my blog represented me well or the content I wish to share. And I will admit to being a bit embarrassed by it. There, I said it! And while I have plans for a new website with fancy buttons and features, it’s currently not in my budget so I’m behind the scenes (still) learning how much I can do with what I got. The best part: You’ll be able to navigate through different pages to find the content that interests you!

And that takes me to the next reason I’m not blogging:

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #3: My Blog Content

My last post on giving up soda received more than double the views than any of my previous posts in six years. The information was important to you. It had value and I don’t want to waste your time (or my own) blogging random blather. As I empower myself to live fully in spite of fibromyalgia, by learning about natural living and natural medicine, I want to share what I’m learning with you so that you can also be empowered to make your own decisions about your health and the health of your family.

If you’re going to spend your precious time reading the content on my blog then I want to give you something valuable and helpful in your life with that content. And I have lots of printables planned and can’t wait to give them to you, as well!

Reason I’m Not Blogging #4: My Faith & Being Authentic

I’ve been reading some wonderful blogs written by faithful women of God and I’m so grateful to have found them (thank you, Pinterest!). These women encourage me in my struggles and they inspire me in my walk with the Lord. They keep me in His Word and they help me put one foot in front of the other.

free stock image from Haute Chocolate

I was once asked by a professor who was supposed to be recruiting me for a Masters of Higher Education program if I had ever thought about seminary. He said that I had such a passion for the Word of God that I really should consider it. This professor who knew me for 15 minutes understood me and my faith better than people that have known me forever. I was authentic in my conversations with him and reading the blogs of these women, it has made me see that I have not been authentic when it comes to my faith. I have not been authentic in a lot of ways and I believe it’s because I have been caught between two worlds and I’m still trying to figure out who I am.

Prior to 2009, I was not a Christian. If I heard the name “Jesus” I would roll my eyes. I was filled with pain and sorrow for all the traumas in my life and I was so angry at God. I found a letter I began writing to Him back in the 90’s. It was tucked inside The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Writing a letter to God was one of the writing assignments she gives in the book. My letter began, “Dear God, I hate you so I must believe you exist.”

You can imagine that the life I lived then was very dark and quite the opposite of biblical standards… and then I became a Christian. Most of my family and closest friends do not share my beliefs and I often find myself reverting back to who I was before Christ when I am around them. Not intentionally, but out of habit.

For years I have been trying to figure out who I am, the pre-Christ-following Kathy or the Jesus-loving Kathy. The truth is, I’m both of them and I always will be, but I’m learning to live a life where the two mesh and I am real. I know living with a chronic health condition these last six years adds to my confusion, but I imagine when I get there, I’ll be much more confident than I am today for I will know without a doubt who God created me to be. Until that time, I’m learning to live authentically in my skin and these wonderful Christian bloggers - they are my teachers.

And the Last Reason I’m Not Blogging (#5): My Fried Brain

I was an honor student in college. I graduated with a 3.85 GPA because I turned two papers in late. The reason I turned them in late was because I had already started struggling with fibromyalgia only I didn’t know it because it took ten months to figure it out. Ten months of seeing every specialist on the planet, having every poke-me-prod-me tests that the insurance would actually cover, working a stressful full-time job, working a part-time job, volunteering with high-risk youth, and taking classes.

Whew! How did I ever do all that? I’m exhausted just typing it! “There but for the grace of God go I…”

I have an IQ in the 130’s (have? had… before fibro?). I don’t say that to brag, but to point out that college was easy for me. I love school. I love learning. I love planting my nose in a book and seeing the world. I love the exactitude of math and the words of … well, everything and every subject. I’m as bad in an office supply store as I am in a bookstore. Yes, I am a geek, but I’m a happy geek!

The only time school was hard for me was when I was procrastinating, but high IQ or not, throw fibromyalgia into the mix and I’m a drunk six-year old. It’s called “fibro-fog.”

Fibro-fog has ruined my life more than the pain ever could. People don’t understand this. I have been asked if I was drunk when I was totally sober. Really. People who meet me for the first time during a fog think I’m an idiot (it does wonders for my dating life). When the fibro-fog rolls in, nothing gets done. I’m distracted, forgetful, and seriously cognitively challenged. When fibro-fog rolls in, I can become disoriented and confused. I have forgotten how to use my microwave in a fog, the microwave I’ve had for ten years. When fibro-fog rolls in, I can’t carry on a conversation. This I wish people would get instead of getting upset at me because I’m hard to get on the phone or I take so long to call them back. Speaking takes at least two spoons, sometimes more. I mix people up, forget friends’ names, forget what that thing in front of me is called (it was a garbage can).

I’ll get off my soap box now. There’s a great article on The Mighty where fibromyalgia sufferers explain what fibro-fog feels like. I highly recommend it if you would like to understand this better.

So all this being said, in between bouts of weakness, pain, fatigue, and cognitive shut-downs, I’m trying to research technical things. Technical things.

Side note: I repel technology. Every gadget I’ve ever owned malfunctions. Laptops, cell phones, tablets… If you don’t believe me, you can ask my friend Deb. I was at her house last week and we were going to watch a movie. Now this girl’s got ALL the gadgets. Her TV is the size of my car and she’s got some fancy Amazon contraption that allows her to watch movies that are currently playing in the theaters from the comfort of her couch.

I’m telling you, that fancy thing wouldn’t work with me in the house. It froze up. The little thinking circle just kept spinning and spinning. She tried rebooting it. Still didn’t work. She said it’s never done that before, she’s never seen it do that and I might need to go home so she can watch a movie. (Ah, she was teasing!) I was happy I finally had confirmation of what I’ve already been suspicioned of (yes, I made that word up). I repel technology and technology doesn’t like me.

I repel technology and all these gadgets and gizmos are like little aliens invading my planet. I still have cassette tapes and a stereo to play them in. I still have VHS tapes and a player for them, as well. I miss my flip-top phone and as for blogging – Ha! It is taking me some time to learn this stuff. Fibro-fog, technology repellanter (another made up word – fogs rollin’ in), these make for some mentally strenuous days (aka: using a lot of spoons).

I hope some of these reasons why I haven't been blogging make you excited by what's to come! As I work behind the scenes to create a blog that helps us both live healthier and more authentic lives, please be patient with me and know I’m thinking about you and praying you are well.