5 Reasons Why I'm Not Blogging

free stock image from Haute Chocolate

I would like to believe that it hasn’t been two months since my last post, but alas, it has been. Is it just me or does time fly by much faster than it used to?  It’s Tuesday, I blink, and now it’s Monday of the following week.

I have not forgotten you, dear one. In fact, if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you most likely notice that it looks different. And just to break it down, there’s a list of reasons why I haven’t blogged and I hope some of those reasons make you happy! They are as follows:

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #1: My Health

One of the most maddening, frustrating, and downright disappointing realities of living with chronic illness is not being able to do all the things I want to do, or even half of them for that matter. I have been home-bound more this year than I have since I first went on medical leave (and many days I am bed-bound). I’ve had to monitor my spoons very carefully, but frankly, I suck at it. Truly. Time management was never one of my strengths and energy management is, apparently, not a strength of mine, either. 

I’ve also been dealing with some personal things, emotional things, and I'm a little overwhelmed. I’ve had a lot on my plate and there are many days I barely get through. Without the Lord and my faith… oh my! I could not get through without Him. He is faithful (even when I'm not!) and He is good to me. He helps me keep my head up when I'm tired of hurting and tired of being behind and when overwhelm threatens my sanity. He helps me stay focused on this blog, poor health and all, and for that I'm grateful.

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #2: My Blog Design

I started this blog in 2011 as a hobby. I wanted fun and colors and pretty, which is fine, but I’ve not been connecting and relating to my blog at all. It hasn’t been something I’ve been excited to share with people. I haven’t felt that my blog represented me well or the content I wish to share. And I will admit to being a bit embarrassed by it. There, I said it! And while I have plans for a new website with fancy buttons and features, it’s currently not in my budget so I’m behind the scenes (still) learning how much I can do with what I got. The best part: You’ll be able to navigate through different pages to find the content that interests you!

And that takes me to the next reason I’m not blogging:

Reason Why I’m Not Blogging #3: My Blog Content

My last post on giving up soda received more than double the views than any of my previous posts in six years. The information was important to you. It had value and I don’t want to waste your time (or my own) blogging random blather. As I empower myself to live fully in spite of fibromyalgia, by learning about natural living and natural medicine, I want to share what I’m learning with you so that you can also be empowered to make your own decisions about your health and the health of your family.

If you’re going to spend your precious time reading the content on my blog then I want to give you something valuable and helpful in your life with that content. And I have lots of printables planned and can’t wait to give them to you, as well!

Reason I’m Not Blogging #4: My Faith & Being Authentic

I’ve been reading some wonderful blogs written by faithful women of God and I’m so grateful to have found them (thank you, Pinterest!). These women encourage me in my struggles and they inspire me in my walk with the Lord. They keep me in His Word and they help me put one foot in front of the other.

free stock image from Haute Chocolate

I was once asked by a professor who was supposed to be recruiting me for a Masters of Higher Education program if I had ever thought about seminary. He said that I had such a passion for the Word of God that I really should consider it. This professor who knew me for 15 minutes understood me and my faith better than people that have known me forever. I was authentic in my conversations with him and reading the blogs of these women, it has made me see that I have not been authentic when it comes to my faith. I have not been authentic in a lot of ways and I believe it’s because I have been caught between two worlds and I’m still trying to figure out who I am.

Prior to 2009, I was not a Christian. If I heard the name “Jesus” I would roll my eyes. I was filled with pain and sorrow for all the traumas in my life and I was so angry at God. I found a letter I began writing to Him back in the 90’s. It was tucked inside The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Writing a letter to God was one of the writing assignments she gives in the book. My letter began, “Dear God, I hate you so I must believe you exist.”

You can imagine that the life I lived then was very dark and quite the opposite of biblical standards… and then I became a Christian. Most of my family and closest friends do not share my beliefs and I often find myself reverting back to who I was before Christ when I am around them. Not intentionally, but out of habit.

For years I have been trying to figure out who I am, the pre-Christ-following Kathy or the Jesus-loving Kathy. The truth is, I’m both of them and I always will be, but I’m learning to live a life where the two mesh and I am real. I know living with a chronic health condition these last six years adds to my confusion, but I imagine when I get there, I’ll be much more confident than I am today for I will know without a doubt who God created me to be. Until that time, I’m learning to live authentically in my skin and these wonderful Christian bloggers - they are my teachers.

And the Last Reason I’m Not Blogging (#5): My Fried Brain

I was an honor student in college. I graduated with a 3.85 GPA because I turned two papers in late. The reason I turned them in late was because I had already started struggling with fibromyalgia only I didn’t know it because it took ten months to figure it out. Ten months of seeing every specialist on the planet, having every poke-me-prod-me tests that the insurance would actually cover, working a stressful full-time job, working a part-time job, volunteering with high-risk youth, and taking classes.

Whew! How did I ever do all that? I’m exhausted just typing it! “There but for the grace of God go I…”

I have an IQ in the 130’s (have? had… before fibro?). I don’t say that to brag, but to point out that college was easy for me. I love school. I love learning. I love planting my nose in a book and seeing the world. I love the exactitude of math and the words of … well, everything and every subject. I’m as bad in an office supply store as I am in a bookstore. Yes, I am a geek, but I’m a happy geek!

The only time school was hard for me was when I was procrastinating, but high IQ or not, throw fibromyalgia into the mix and I’m a drunk six-year old. It’s called “fibro-fog.”

Fibro-fog has ruined my life more than the pain ever could. People don’t understand this. I have been asked if I was drunk when I was totally sober. Really. People who meet me for the first time during a fog think I’m an idiot (it does wonders for my dating life). When the fibro-fog rolls in, nothing gets done. I’m distracted, forgetful, and seriously cognitively challenged. When fibro-fog rolls in, I can become disoriented and confused. I have forgotten how to use my microwave in a fog, the microwave I’ve had for ten years. When fibro-fog rolls in, I can’t carry on a conversation. This I wish people would get instead of getting upset at me because I’m hard to get on the phone or I take so long to call them back. Speaking takes at least two spoons, sometimes more. I mix people up, forget friends’ names, forget what that thing in front of me is called (it was a garbage can).

I’ll get off my soap box now. There’s a great article on The Mighty where fibromyalgia sufferers explain what fibro-fog feels like. I highly recommend it if you would like to understand this better.

So all this being said, in between bouts of weakness, pain, fatigue, and cognitive shut-downs, I’m trying to research technical things. Technical things.

Side note: I repel technology. Every gadget I’ve ever owned malfunctions. Laptops, cell phones, tablets… If you don’t believe me, you can ask my friend Deb. I was at her house last week and we were going to watch a movie. Now this girl’s got ALL the gadgets. Her TV is the size of my car and she’s got some fancy Amazon contraption that allows her to watch movies that are currently playing in the theaters from the comfort of her couch.

I’m telling you, that fancy thing wouldn’t work with me in the house. It froze up. The little thinking circle just kept spinning and spinning. She tried rebooting it. Still didn’t work. She said it’s never done that before, she’s never seen it do that and I might need to go home so she can watch a movie. (Ah, she was teasing!) I was happy I finally had confirmation of what I’ve already been suspicioned of (yes, I made that word up). I repel technology and technology doesn’t like me.

I repel technology and all these gadgets and gizmos are like little aliens invading my planet. I still have cassette tapes and a stereo to play them in. I still have VHS tapes and a player for them, as well. I miss my flip-top phone and as for blogging – Ha! It is taking me some time to learn this stuff. Fibro-fog, technology repellanter (another made up word – fogs rollin’ in), these make for some mentally strenuous days (aka: using a lot of spoons).

I hope some of these reasons why I haven't been blogging make you excited by what's to come! As I work behind the scenes to create a blog that helps us both live healthier and more authentic lives, please be patient with me and know I’m thinking about you and praying you are well.

What to Write When Your Brain Is Highjacked?

NOTE (written after I posted the below verbiage): Being technologically challenged, I can't figure out why this blog, when posted, has 2-3 spaces between each paragraph when my editing page has no paragraph spacing and is spaced just as the previous post was spaced. I have OCD and this is driving me nuts!


I realized today that the reason I don't blog is because of my health situation. I'm not choosing not to blog because of it. Rather, certain health conditions frequently highjack my brain and writing something that might actually mean something to someone else just hasn't been possible (there are days I'm lucky I remember my name). However, I really want to make a habit of blogging, kind of like the bible study my church is doing, 91 Weeks with Jesus (a.k.a. Know the Word). For approximately twenty minutes a day, five days a week, you read portions of the Bible and listen to audio commentary on it. About 1,000 people at my church are doing the study together and there has been something really powerful about it. For most of the 19 weeks that we've been doing the study, I have kept up. It's the only routine in my life that I've been able to maintain week after week. Okay, 91 Weeks and morning coffee.


So what can I handle as far as blogging is concerned? I haven't been able to blog about health and nutrition because the research requires too much ... well, thinking. I haven't been able to interview people and write about it for the senior newsletter I report for because again, that requires a creativity and intellect that slips in and out whenever if feels instead of whenever I would like it to. I haven't been able to blog any book reviews because I've struggled for almost a year now with getting my beloved books even read. So sad.


Random thoughts. Random thoughts are about all I can handle right now. Random thoughts float around my head like garbage floats around on the waves of the beaches of Virginia. Non-stop floating. Day and night the disorganized thoughts in my head tease me as they come and go and meander in and out of my head. "Look at me," they shout before disappearing behind the murky clouds that fill the Pittsburgh skies day after day after day.


But writing is the thing I enjoy the most next to studying the cultural history and Christian theology found in the Holy Bible. My idea is to blog random thoughts when I have them and if, by chance, I wrest control of my brain out of the hands of chronic illness, then I will blog something intellectual.


Stay tuned!

Am I Back Yet?

It is the day after Labor Day and my favorite time of year.  Like the leaves on the trees, I feel the season changing.  A new housemate, new test results, and a new air-rave box, I feel the solitary days of laying in bed are coming to an end.

I have missed blogging.  I've missed the sharing of blogging that journal writing doesn't provide and have realized when I couldn't bring myself to cancel this blog that I need this.  With school out, I need it even more as I'm still praying to God about His next step for me.

I've spent a lot of time alone this summer, a lot of time with God as my body has gone on hiatus from the abuse I've put it through over the last couple of years.  I've spent days in bed with weakness, fatigue, and pain being my constant companions.  No amount of eating raw has helped and as always, blood work and other tests I've been sent to do have come back negative (until recently).  The rheumatologist trying to fix me with meds and more meds, I stopped seeing her and went back to my PCP and am now on almost half the meds I was on a month or two ago.  I've also reached out to others for prayer and help and spent a lot of time reading the Word of God and journaling my thoughts and prayers to Him.

Am I healed?  Not yet, but I feel more focused and less pained.  I'm still fatigued, but not as weak.  I have a new housemate.  Her rent is free so long as she does the housekeeping for me and this is an answer to many months of prayer.  She is a blessing to me and in return, I'm able to be a blessing to her.

She moved in yesterday and Zeus doesn't know what to think.  Yes, Readers (if there are any of you left after my hiatus), I know the biggest question your inquiring minds have is wondering how Zeus has been these months.  Let's face it, he's a celebrity!  :0)

With so many aunties that come to Pittsburgh to visit us, he does not know her.  He knows Auntie Pam and Auntie Deb, he knows Auntie Dijah, he knows Auntie Des who will be staying with us later this month from Seattle, and of course, Auntie Jane, Auntie Leslie, Auntie Kelly, Aunt P...  the list goes on and on, but he doesn't know her and mom didn't run around like a crackhead scrubbing the house down like normal when we have guests so he's a little confused.  Too afraid to go to sleep because he might miss something, he sat dozing by the bedroom door instead of sleeping in his basket-bed.

I'm a little confused, too, as I keep wanting to run around and clean up after everyone. That Sicilian in me that sets the alarm off in my brain, "We have a guest!"  I had to stop myself from doing dishes this morning and praise God she was leaving as I got up because I really wanted to feed her breakfast... And even though I didn't scrub the house down, I did overdo it cleaning before she arrived... and, well, cleaning most of the weekend.  I mean, I had to scrub the toilets and you would've, too.  I couldn't let her move in with them dirty.  And I had to wash towels and blankets, change the sheets in the spare room, clean out the fridge... there are just some habits that never go away.  I pulled something or activated something and my back hurt so bad yesterday I had to pop muscle relaxers and pull out the lumbar machine again.  I hope I can get through a day of work before dying of pain.  As long as I sit at my desk without moving, I think I'll be okay.

Anyway, I think I'm back blogging, at least for now.

I've Discovered My Platform

I'm reading Your Are A Writer (So Start Acting Like One) by Jeff Goins.  I've follow his writing blog for a little while now and LOVE it!  He's so simply - to the point.  Anyway, as a creative person, I love too many things and haven't been able to figure out my platform, my product. 

I love books, love reading and tried the book review blogging, but find that that just isn't my thing.  I discovered that after graduation when I noticed a pile of read books waiting to be written about.  The pleasure of finishing a good book was diminished as that pile waiting to be written about seemed too much like homework.  So no, not my thing.

Then there's this blog, my personal blog.  It, too, isn't my thing.  Some thoughts just aren't meant to be shared and I'm replacing this blog with Penzu.  I'm not cancelling this blog because I do want to focus on my writing and editing services, but there won't be much activity on here, at least not for awhile.  I'm trying to find a good domain name to begin offering my writing and editing services, but my name is taken so it's been a challenge.  I trust that it'll come to me, though, because I believe God gave me this gift and that He's got plans for me to use it.

The most prevalent of interests has been health and nutrition and how the Bible is filled with Scriptures about God's desire for us to be healthy.  The more I read and study, the more convinced I am that it is no consequence that I was asked to take over the health and nutrition blog writing for my church.  The more I read and study, the more convicted I am that Christians (myself included) need help to live healthier lives. 

Just for the heck of it, I searched the domain name healthyforchrist.com and discovered it was still available!  Say what?!  I really couldn't believe it was still available and only paused for about two seconds before I purchased it.  Several years ago, I had an idea for a health and nutrition website, but with school, I ended up letting it go.  I haven't kept my nutrition certification up to date and haven't maintained a healthy lifestyle myself, so that website idea was forgotten about... until recently.  Now, as the proud owner of http://www.healthyforchrist.com/, I have found my platform.  I hope to create a website that will help people to live healthy lives for Christ.  This will include mind, body, and spirit as 1 Thessalonians 5:23 reads.  For now, it's just a web page with links to my health and nutrition blogs, but keep checking back, and please follow along so that you, too, can be Healthy for Christ.

My Hiatus from Thinking

It's been forever since I've posted.  My book review blog Beloved Books isn't any more active.  As much as I think about blogging and writing, I've been on hiatus from anything requiring me to actually use my brain.  I graduated on May 5th with a 3.87 GPA from Geneva College with a BS in Community Ministry.  For those of you non-Christians, it's kind of like Social Work for Christians.  :0)

Anyway, working full-time and taking classes part-time for the last 5 years took its toll on me and I have done a whole lot of nothing since graduation.  I've watched a ton of Netflix on my new Nook tablet, played tons of video games on my Android, and have managed to finish reading a couple of books (that I haven't blogged about because that requires thinking...).  Zeus is happy mom is home so much, although he has been caught giving the evil eye to my electronic devices.  When he isn't glaring at them, he's trying to lay on them or knock them out of my hand with his nose. 

It has all been perfect timing, however, because I've been up to my ears in summer staff hiring paperwork.  I think we've had about 50 new hires come on in the last month.  My title at work finally got changed from "Support Coordinator" which only managed to confuse people to "Human Resource Generalist."  I had to find a title that would include the many other projects passed on to me because HR is only a piece of my job (although a very large piece!).  So I have had to think since graduation, but anyone who works with me can probably tell I'm on this brain/thinking hiatus.  Normally the one who knows everything, follows up with everyone, and gets back to people right away, I am living in a fog.  People are actually having to follow up with me, which of course makes me feel like a big slacker.

I have kept up with my Healthy for Christ blog.  That also requires me to think because I'm usually researching whatever I write about for the week. 

Speaking of writing, I started attending a writing group that I'm SOOO excited about!  These people are
A.) Writers!  and
B.) Working writers! 
People that are actually published and continually working on getting published.  Like, some of them have even gotten paid and stuff (no joke)!  In Virginia, I wrote almost daily and hung out with writers, active writers, and it was really good for my flow, you know?  With school over, I needed something like that here.  I was apprehensive to find a writing group because let's face it: there are A LOT of weirdos out there that call themselves writers, but I am happy to say I love this group.  Making writing part of my daily life again is one of my goals for this summer. 

My other goal is to just focus on getting healthy again.  I really need to eat better and take better care of my body.  I am being treated for rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, but I claim neither of these diseases.  I'm in week two of a class called "Treasures of Healthy Living" and I couldn't be more excited about it.  This class is taking us through Scripture to show you how God wants us to be healthy.  He designed us to be healthy, He calls us to be healthy, and He has given us all the tools we need on this earth to be healthy.  The Bible is our instruction manual for being healthy, but as Christians, we never look at it that way.  So, I know I will learn a lot through this course and think I want to teach it next semester.  We'll see how it goes.  By Labor Day, I want to be off of at least 4 of the 7 prescriptions I take on a daily basis.  I want to get healthy again, and as I slowly come out of my brain/thinking hiatus, I hope to be writing about my health in the months to come.  :0)

Keep On Writing!

I have thought about this blog more times than I can count.  To actually write a blog (let alone go public with it) has been a great feat for me because although I love to write, I haven't really written in years.  When I left Virginia, a place I grew to love, a place I grew period, I became so disconnected with myself and life that words that once flowed ceased.  The things I did write were so forced, so redundant.  The stuff I was writing was just plain awful until I quit writing altogether.  I spent my time instead working, working, relocating, working, relocating again, working... There was nothing left in my heart to write about.

During those years, I often longed to write again.  I can't explain the pure joy of putting words on paper, especially when they just fly from my pen.  When I am in the flow of words, there's no place else I'd rather be.  Even today, I can read stuff I wrote ten years ago and get a happy feeling.  I believe it has something to do with releasing all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that verbally I cannot express.  Writing has transformed my life in so many ways.  It stirs me cognitively (is that a word?) and I can think clearer in all areas of my life.  It gives me energy to accomplish great things and mundane things.  I feel connected with not only who I am, but with the Holy Spirit who guides my pen.  My life is just more satisfying to me when I am writing.
So why in heavens have I not written on this blog in so long?!  Like I said, I think about it every day and wish I were writing something, anything.  In fairness, I am writing a nutrition and health blog for my church, but I hope in the future daily grind of my life, I remember what I just wrote above and choose to keep up with this more personal blog.  Stay tuned!!

The Beginning

I start this blog in mourning. But though I have lost many loved ones, it is not them I mourn these days. I mourn the childhood of three little girls. For these precious girls, I mourn not only the childhood they lost, but the rich and abundant life they should have had in their adulthood. I know with every fiber of my being that God has been and continues to turn this horror (for abuse of a child is absolutely horrific) into something greater than I ever could imagine. For though I rarely trust anyone enough to open my heart, I mentor young girls in the foster system with no hesitation. For them, my heart is open before I even meet them. With them, I discover a love that I never had. Each of these girls takes a piece of my heart and soul without even knowing it and were it possible, I would open my home to all of them. 

God has placed in me a passion and a burden for these girls that I spent the early part of my adult life running from. I didn't want anything to do with the abusive life I and my older sisters were subjected to. I didn't want to face the anger and the pain that were buried so deep in me, disconnecting me from the woman God intended me to be. Not knowing my Savior, Jesus, I sought healing and redemption in all the wrong places. A student of life, I read every new age, self-help book I could get my hands on. If peace and happiness were offered, I absorbed it with profound desperation to free myself from the misery I ran from. I majored in Psychology to understand myself (and others). I investigated religion after religion (but never Christianity) hoping I would find the peace I sought.

I hated God, blaming Him for the wretched life I lived, the intense self-hatred that consumed me, but He loved me still and pursued my heart while I cursed His. One day, I felt His presence so strongly I could no longer deny Him. I began seeking Him and found the love I sought my lifelong. I found Jesus. 

Within months of giving my life to Him who gave His life for me, my passion and burden for these girls was revealed. While many things have inspired me and inflamed me only to burn out quickly, this has stayed, growing stronger and stronger with each seminar I attend, each book I read, and each girl I mentor. I have found my life's purpose. 

Through the ashes of my childhood, I have found the thing I was created for. I ask you, if you have not figured out God's purpose for your life, what are you running from? Is there a pain so great in you that you are consumed by it? If so, I wonder, is it perhaps the thing you have been created for?

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose."  

Romans 8:28