Friday, June 22, 2012

Sigh, Whatever.

It has been a long, stressful week and I feel it.  Unable to sleep when inflammation rules it's ugly head, I'm awake but only halfway functioning.  Work has been so stressful this week and I see now how the effects of stress turn my body into a shaky, weak mess.  I've been so fatigued this week and angry about it.  Do you know I went to the grocery store and when I came out to my car afterwards, my car door was wide open.  I left my car door open!  My brain is so clouded with whatever disease my body is fighting and I am just angry about it!

I've been back on the prednisone (self-prescribed this time) because I can't stand not being able to function at a hundred percent.  When I'm on the prednisone is the only time I have enough energy to get through the work day, but I hate taking it.  I weened myself off it (yet again) like to doctors showed me, praying that this time would be for good.  But one week off of it, I am tired and weak and so sad about it. 

I've worked so hard to change my diet and get my rest and to think positive.  Touting "I'm not claiming whatever is going on with my body" and telling anyone who cares to listen that my goal is to be off at least four of the seven meds I take daily by Labor Day.  I'm studying Scripture, praying more not just for myself but mostly for others, gave up so many foods and drinks.  I've been back to church the last two weeks, taking the Treasures of Healthy Living bible study class (which I absolutely love and recommend).  I'm very strict with my time, staying home to rest so much more, yet I am tired today and the stress of work does not help.  Even as I type this, my arms and hands feel droopy and strained from the effort.  My mind, wide awake, my body still asleep.

Each day this week has been challenging, yet I say nothing at work because no longer do I want to voice those words.  But they are in my head and on my heart and I'm missing hours as it is because I've gotten up so late in the mornings.  Mornings just suck, my body dragging, my mind murky.  I contemplate missing work today, but my paid time off is already sparse and I paid $20 for a ticket to this evening's festivities.  I don't want to go, but I promised a friend we'd go together.  Okay, I practically begged her to be my date so I feel obligated, but I don't think I can do it.  I don't think I can do another evening in the heat (Tuesday, I had free tickets to the game and took one of my foster girls).

Anyway, I'm just done.  I'm just done. Whatever.

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