There are many days I rarely leave my bed. In the midst of the good and the bad, it has become my place - my place of peace, my place of pity; the place I want to be most on the good days and least on the bad. I begrudge my bed when I have no choice but to be here and delight in it when I am able to choose it of my own cognition.
On days like today, it is with apathy that I am here typing. My body is as it always is, sluggish and thick, and I fantasize there is someone who will soon bring me coffee. But there is no one so I pop a couple Excedrin with the bottled water on my nightstand knowing the caffeine injection will shortly give me a gust. Then will I be able to rise from my bed and hobble my way down the stairs to the coffee pot or the Klondikes or the new scenery. What I want most is to shower, but it is too much too soon and so I sit in my stink until my body gives me the okay to exert the energy a shower requires.
For too long, I can't sit without my brace. As I tried exercising without a therapist and tried rinsing out my tub without a clue, I sat last Thursday without my brace. Feeling strong, feeling the pain scale of nine reduced to a five, I wanted to be ... me. The me I once was, active, strong, but the brace that was such a blessing and brought me such joy is now a noose around my neck; a monkey on my back, and I spent three days back up the scale at nine.
I am impatient. I want to be free of it. I want to be free of this body that is such a contradiction to my mind. I want to run and dance and walk with grace. I want to speak my mind at the time I want to speak it, to free the imprisoned words and memories held without ransom behind some invisible shroud. I want my friends to remember who I am, to remember I exist, or I want to make new ones in a world I haven't seen for awhile. I want to work and play and write and learn. I want to care about something, and I really, really want to take a shower.
My Balcony Flower Pot
I once had a green thumb. Friends would walk in my home and feel the beauty of the outside in the confines of whichever apartment I currently occupied. I even recall feeling a tad upset when I visited Utah for the first time after I moved across the country. My dear friend Adam asked if he could have all my luscious plants because there was no way they would survive the 1,800+ miles in the back of my U-haul. He promised to take very good care of them so I relented, but when I returned for my first vacation home, there were none left alive to visit.
I once had a green thumb. Give me any withering, growing thing and I would have it blooming in a short period of time. Eventually, the relocating and traveling so much in the corporate world took it's toll on my nature friends and they became fewer and fewer. Then one day I chose to settle and bought a house with many, many stairs and levels. I worked full-time, part-time, and worked diligently to finish my degree as an honor student. In my "spare" time, I didn't take care of plants (that required many trips up and down many stairs), but instead volunteered for various non-profit organizations that were near to my heart (or just happened to be short a few hands). It wasn't long before only one green friend remained.
I can proudly say this one green friend is still thriving in my home. It might have something to do with being on the same level as the kitchen or with the promise I made to my best friend that I wouldn't kill it. For fun, I periodically email her pictures so she knows I kept my promise.
On my balcony, however, there is a large flower pot. I must say it was blooming quite beautifully and for some time! Of course, the plant had long died and the bloomers were very lively weeds.
That flower pot, now trimmed of Seymour (sounds way better than Audrey II), still sits on my balcony filled to the brim with rich soil. It, unfortunately, does not hold anything more precious than some cigarette butts (etc., etc.).
"What is that?" asked my neighbor, Audra, to her husband. Gene picked up something from their yard as I balanced our other neighbor Christy's baby on my hip.
"I think it's a clump of deer fur," Gene replied, analyzing the mass.
With a sheepish grin, I piped up, "No, it's not deer fur. It's Zeusy fur." I was brushing him on the balcony and stuffing the fur balls pulled off the brush into my flower pot. Apparently with strong winds, cat fur travels! I would have been happier knowing it traveled on the other side of my house (to the neighbor I don't care for), but c'est la vie.
Tonight, my flower pot boasts a fancy blue pen. The damn thing is practically new but skips like Raggedy Ann on Raggedy Andy's face. So, I pitched it into the garbage abyss of my balcony flower pot.
And I just felt you all should know.
I once had a green thumb. Give me any withering, growing thing and I would have it blooming in a short period of time. Eventually, the relocating and traveling so much in the corporate world took it's toll on my nature friends and they became fewer and fewer. Then one day I chose to settle and bought a house with many, many stairs and levels. I worked full-time, part-time, and worked diligently to finish my degree as an honor student. In my "spare" time, I didn't take care of plants (that required many trips up and down many stairs), but instead volunteered for various non-profit organizations that were near to my heart (or just happened to be short a few hands). It wasn't long before only one green friend remained.
I can proudly say this one green friend is still thriving in my home. It might have something to do with being on the same level as the kitchen or with the promise I made to my best friend that I wouldn't kill it. For fun, I periodically email her pictures so she knows I kept my promise.
On my balcony, however, there is a large flower pot. I must say it was blooming quite beautifully and for some time! Of course, the plant had long died and the bloomers were very lively weeds.
That flower pot, now trimmed of Seymour (sounds way better than Audrey II), still sits on my balcony filled to the brim with rich soil. It, unfortunately, does not hold anything more precious than some cigarette butts (etc., etc.).
"What is that?" asked my neighbor, Audra, to her husband. Gene picked up something from their yard as I balanced our other neighbor Christy's baby on my hip.
"I think it's a clump of deer fur," Gene replied, analyzing the mass.
With a sheepish grin, I piped up, "No, it's not deer fur. It's Zeusy fur." I was brushing him on the balcony and stuffing the fur balls pulled off the brush into my flower pot. Apparently with strong winds, cat fur travels! I would have been happier knowing it traveled on the other side of my house (to the neighbor I don't care for), but c'est la vie.
Tonight, my flower pot boasts a fancy blue pen. The damn thing is practically new but skips like Raggedy Ann on Raggedy Andy's face. So, I pitched it into the garbage abyss of my balcony flower pot.
And I just felt you all should know.
Recommendations for the Road
It has been interesting, taking a journey going nowhere. I have fought and screamed, ranted and raved, smoked a cigarette or two while camping out in my aunt's studio apartment. We were worried about me and there was no one I could trust myself with but her. I deactivated my Facebook account and praised God many drunken evenings for doing so!! Tried changing my phone number even, but work and house-hunters have kept me too busy to make it to Verizon. Instead, it's been turned off most days.
I don't know if I would recommend this to anyone. Let's face it (or let me face it, admit it): some day I would like to marry and have baby-Raes running around (or baby-whomever is strong enough to marry me). Yes, love and babies, but ain't gunna happen if I don't let a man in (into my heart, gutters-heads!). So, I've had to go inside my heart all by myself and IT IS PAINFUL. It hurts. It's like everything you have ever felt in your life exploding at the drop of a comment, a sound, my unshed tears. Swearing became my new language, so offensive, so automatic, and Pandora's box was opened and dumped out on my balcony. My neighbors know a lot more about me now.
Would I recommend this? You hate yourself until you realize you hate everyone else instead until you realize you don't hate anyone, you're just really, really hurt. Bruised, not broken, but's it's the large, dark bruise on your calf that starts turning green. Unlike the last time, I didn't have a big sister near to rush me to the hospital.
So, although necessary in my life to truly live, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who is alone (praise God I had my aunt). If someone does choose to take this kind of journey (and you have someone like an aunt or a therapist), here is my advice:
When in this phase of your healing, do not listen to metal no matter how much you love Quiet Riot. I learned from experience, trust me. I would not recommend it.
I would, however, recommend journaling. Lots and lots of journaling (especially when your therapist seems to be out of the country every time you need her most). No need for systems and fancy stuff. Girlfriend, when you goin' crazy, just grab the nearest napkin and take it out on that. I wrote some pretty ugly stuff in notebooks, but for once, the ugly stuff wasn't about me. Yes, there were a few pages directed at the man currently holding my jewelry hostage, but I can't even be mad at him for long. He has no clue who I am and I have no clue who he is. I misdiagnosed us from the start, protected myself accordingly, and scared him away like I do best, before we could ever decide if we wanted to give us a chance. Journal.
Lastly, don't try finding a safe place in someone who has never gone through the stuff you've gone through. No matter how much they love you, they'll never get it and they'll never be able to understand the chaotic, inner roller coaster you are on. Seriously, it can ruin a friendship.
Why blog about this? Really, I don't know. I believe God gave me the gift of writing for a reason, but when I've shut down all that made me vulnerable, my words couldn't get through the steel demeanors I built around me. Without vulnerability, I couldn't write, but I'm writing again and I thank God for it. I even found a poem I wrote forever ago about how writing has saved my life. Maybe blogging about this is a way to remind someone else how writing can save lives. And there's no need for me to share all the personal stuff in my notebooks. I think a nice summary blog post will suffice. If not, of course, you can always go talk to my neighbors! ;-)
I don't know if I would recommend this to anyone. Let's face it (or let me face it, admit it): some day I would like to marry and have baby-Raes running around (or baby-whomever is strong enough to marry me). Yes, love and babies, but ain't gunna happen if I don't let a man in (into my heart, gutters-heads!). So, I've had to go inside my heart all by myself and IT IS PAINFUL. It hurts. It's like everything you have ever felt in your life exploding at the drop of a comment, a sound, my unshed tears. Swearing became my new language, so offensive, so automatic, and Pandora's box was opened and dumped out on my balcony. My neighbors know a lot more about me now.
Would I recommend this? You hate yourself until you realize you hate everyone else instead until you realize you don't hate anyone, you're just really, really hurt. Bruised, not broken, but's it's the large, dark bruise on your calf that starts turning green. Unlike the last time, I didn't have a big sister near to rush me to the hospital.
So, although necessary in my life to truly live, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who is alone (praise God I had my aunt). If someone does choose to take this kind of journey (and you have someone like an aunt or a therapist), here is my advice:
When in this phase of your healing, do not listen to metal no matter how much you love Quiet Riot. I learned from experience, trust me. I would not recommend it.
I would, however, recommend journaling. Lots and lots of journaling (especially when your therapist seems to be out of the country every time you need her most). No need for systems and fancy stuff. Girlfriend, when you goin' crazy, just grab the nearest napkin and take it out on that. I wrote some pretty ugly stuff in notebooks, but for once, the ugly stuff wasn't about me. Yes, there were a few pages directed at the man currently holding my jewelry hostage, but I can't even be mad at him for long. He has no clue who I am and I have no clue who he is. I misdiagnosed us from the start, protected myself accordingly, and scared him away like I do best, before we could ever decide if we wanted to give us a chance. Journal.
Lastly, don't try finding a safe place in someone who has never gone through the stuff you've gone through. No matter how much they love you, they'll never get it and they'll never be able to understand the chaotic, inner roller coaster you are on. Seriously, it can ruin a friendship.
Why blog about this? Really, I don't know. I believe God gave me the gift of writing for a reason, but when I've shut down all that made me vulnerable, my words couldn't get through the steel demeanors I built around me. Without vulnerability, I couldn't write, but I'm writing again and I thank God for it. I even found a poem I wrote forever ago about how writing has saved my life. Maybe blogging about this is a way to remind someone else how writing can save lives. And there's no need for me to share all the personal stuff in my notebooks. I think a nice summary blog post will suffice. If not, of course, you can always go talk to my neighbors! ;-)
Freedom-Bound I Be
Do you ever want to just hit the trail and go? Put the car in drive and speed towards the horizon as though you'll catch the sun. Run away from it all, start again. Find a hut on a beach, sell lots of coconuts, and make lots of babies who run around half naked and tan in the freedom of the wind and seas.
Oh, how I want to run, but this time I'm just too tired. Tired of being everything for everybody when I don't even know how to be anything for myself. Tired of people dying. Tired of not being able to grieve because I have to be strong for everyone else. I'm tired of having to smile at you when I really wish you'd never looked my way in the first place because I feel like a donkey's ass today. Donkey's asses do not smile. I'm tired of having to be nice to you when I know you'll be the first one to tell my boss's boss that I swore in my personal blog. I'm tired of being the strong one and I'm tired of being afraid no matter how strong I act. Tired of the fear that is so deep in me, as deep as the Nile is long. I just want to be real, and raw - authentic in my skin without being considered crazy or dramatic or un-Christian. More than anything, I want to be FREE...
Away from it all, run far away, never to look back, and I'm always happy to do so (I've been known to cross state lines from time to time). But not anymore. Not anymore. I am weary and God won't let me run again. I would go and never look back, but He says no. "No, you're not running anymore. You're going to sit still and be. No, you're not going anymore. You're going to sit still and listen. You're going to look back and see why, then you're going to peel back every putrid layer of decaying history and see why some more. You're going to see who you truly are - real, raw, authentic in your skin. It's going to hurt, but I promise you that you will finally be free. Free to love, free to be, free to truly follow me."
So here I go, my first journey taken without ever going. Here I be, sitting still to chase the horizon and catch the sun. Here I am - real, raw, authentic in my skin... and freedom-bound I be.
Oh, how I want to run, but this time I'm just too tired. Tired of being everything for everybody when I don't even know how to be anything for myself. Tired of people dying. Tired of not being able to grieve because I have to be strong for everyone else. I'm tired of having to smile at you when I really wish you'd never looked my way in the first place because I feel like a donkey's ass today. Donkey's asses do not smile. I'm tired of having to be nice to you when I know you'll be the first one to tell my boss's boss that I swore in my personal blog. I'm tired of being the strong one and I'm tired of being afraid no matter how strong I act. Tired of the fear that is so deep in me, as deep as the Nile is long. I just want to be real, and raw - authentic in my skin without being considered crazy or dramatic or un-Christian. More than anything, I want to be FREE...
Away from it all, run far away, never to look back, and I'm always happy to do so (I've been known to cross state lines from time to time). But not anymore. Not anymore. I am weary and God won't let me run again. I would go and never look back, but He says no. "No, you're not running anymore. You're going to sit still and be. No, you're not going anymore. You're going to sit still and listen. You're going to look back and see why, then you're going to peel back every putrid layer of decaying history and see why some more. You're going to see who you truly are - real, raw, authentic in your skin. It's going to hurt, but I promise you that you will finally be free. Free to love, free to be, free to truly follow me."
So here I go, my first journey taken without ever going. Here I be, sitting still to chase the horizon and catch the sun. Here I am - real, raw, authentic in my skin... and freedom-bound I be.
Am I Back Yet?
It is the day after Labor Day and my favorite time of year. Like the leaves on the trees, I feel the season changing. A new housemate, new test results, and a new air-rave box, I feel the solitary days of laying in bed are coming to an end.
I have missed blogging. I've missed the sharing of blogging that journal writing doesn't provide and have realized when I couldn't bring myself to cancel this blog that I need this. With school out, I need it even more as I'm still praying to God about His next step for me.
I've spent a lot of time alone this summer, a lot of time with God as my body has gone on hiatus from the abuse I've put it through over the last couple of years. I've spent days in bed with weakness, fatigue, and pain being my constant companions. No amount of eating raw has helped and as always, blood work and other tests I've been sent to do have come back negative (until recently). The rheumatologist trying to fix me with meds and more meds, I stopped seeing her and went back to my PCP and am now on almost half the meds I was on a month or two ago. I've also reached out to others for prayer and help and spent a lot of time reading the Word of God and journaling my thoughts and prayers to Him.
Am I healed? Not yet, but I feel more focused and less pained. I'm still fatigued, but not as weak. I have a new housemate. Her rent is free so long as she does the housekeeping for me and this is an answer to many months of prayer. She is a blessing to me and in return, I'm able to be a blessing to her.
She moved in yesterday and Zeus doesn't know what to think. Yes, Readers (if there are any of you left after my hiatus), I know the biggest question your inquiring minds have is wondering how Zeus has been these months. Let's face it, he's a celebrity! :0)
With so many aunties that come to Pittsburgh to visit us, he does not know her. He knows Auntie Pam and Auntie Deb, he knows Auntie Dijah, he knows Auntie Des who will be staying with us later this month from Seattle, and of course, Auntie Jane, Auntie Leslie, Auntie Kelly, Aunt P... the list goes on and on, but he doesn't know her and mom didn't run around like a crackhead scrubbing the house down like normal when we have guests so he's a little confused. Too afraid to go to sleep because he might miss something, he sat dozing by the bedroom door instead of sleeping in his basket-bed.
I'm a little confused, too, as I keep wanting to run around and clean up after everyone. That Sicilian in me that sets the alarm off in my brain, "We have a guest!" I had to stop myself from doing dishes this morning and praise God she was leaving as I got up because I really wanted to feed her breakfast... And even though I didn't scrub the house down, I did overdo it cleaning before she arrived... and, well, cleaning most of the weekend. I mean, I had to scrub the toilets and you would've, too. I couldn't let her move in with them dirty. And I had to wash towels and blankets, change the sheets in the spare room, clean out the fridge... there are just some habits that never go away. I pulled something or activated something and my back hurt so bad yesterday I had to pop muscle relaxers and pull out the lumbar machine again. I hope I can get through a day of work before dying of pain. As long as I sit at my desk without moving, I think I'll be okay.
Anyway, I think I'm back blogging, at least for now.
I have missed blogging. I've missed the sharing of blogging that journal writing doesn't provide and have realized when I couldn't bring myself to cancel this blog that I need this. With school out, I need it even more as I'm still praying to God about His next step for me.
I've spent a lot of time alone this summer, a lot of time with God as my body has gone on hiatus from the abuse I've put it through over the last couple of years. I've spent days in bed with weakness, fatigue, and pain being my constant companions. No amount of eating raw has helped and as always, blood work and other tests I've been sent to do have come back negative (until recently). The rheumatologist trying to fix me with meds and more meds, I stopped seeing her and went back to my PCP and am now on almost half the meds I was on a month or two ago. I've also reached out to others for prayer and help and spent a lot of time reading the Word of God and journaling my thoughts and prayers to Him.
Am I healed? Not yet, but I feel more focused and less pained. I'm still fatigued, but not as weak. I have a new housemate. Her rent is free so long as she does the housekeeping for me and this is an answer to many months of prayer. She is a blessing to me and in return, I'm able to be a blessing to her.
She moved in yesterday and Zeus doesn't know what to think. Yes, Readers (if there are any of you left after my hiatus), I know the biggest question your inquiring minds have is wondering how Zeus has been these months. Let's face it, he's a celebrity! :0)
With so many aunties that come to Pittsburgh to visit us, he does not know her. He knows Auntie Pam and Auntie Deb, he knows Auntie Dijah, he knows Auntie Des who will be staying with us later this month from Seattle, and of course, Auntie Jane, Auntie Leslie, Auntie Kelly, Aunt P... the list goes on and on, but he doesn't know her and mom didn't run around like a crackhead scrubbing the house down like normal when we have guests so he's a little confused. Too afraid to go to sleep because he might miss something, he sat dozing by the bedroom door instead of sleeping in his basket-bed.
I'm a little confused, too, as I keep wanting to run around and clean up after everyone. That Sicilian in me that sets the alarm off in my brain, "We have a guest!" I had to stop myself from doing dishes this morning and praise God she was leaving as I got up because I really wanted to feed her breakfast... And even though I didn't scrub the house down, I did overdo it cleaning before she arrived... and, well, cleaning most of the weekend. I mean, I had to scrub the toilets and you would've, too. I couldn't let her move in with them dirty. And I had to wash towels and blankets, change the sheets in the spare room, clean out the fridge... there are just some habits that never go away. I pulled something or activated something and my back hurt so bad yesterday I had to pop muscle relaxers and pull out the lumbar machine again. I hope I can get through a day of work before dying of pain. As long as I sit at my desk without moving, I think I'll be okay.
Anyway, I think I'm back blogging, at least for now.
I've Discovered My Platform
I'm reading Your Are A Writer (So Start Acting Like One) by Jeff Goins. I've follow his writing blog for a little while now and LOVE it! He's so simply - to the point. Anyway, as a creative person, I love too many things and haven't been able to figure out my platform, my product.
I love books, love reading and tried the book review blogging, but find that that just isn't my thing. I discovered that after graduation when I noticed a pile of read books waiting to be written about. The pleasure of finishing a good book was diminished as that pile waiting to be written about seemed too much like homework. So no, not my thing.
Then there's this blog, my personal blog. It, too, isn't my thing. Some thoughts just aren't meant to be shared and I'm replacing this blog with Penzu. I'm not cancelling this blog because I do want to focus on my writing and editing services, but there won't be much activity on here, at least not for awhile. I'm trying to find a good domain name to begin offering my writing and editing services, but my name is taken so it's been a challenge. I trust that it'll come to me, though, because I believe God gave me this gift and that He's got plans for me to use it.
The most prevalent of interests has been health and nutrition and how the Bible is filled with Scriptures about God's desire for us to be healthy. The more I read and study, the more convinced I am that it is no consequence that I was asked to take over the health and nutrition blog writing for my church. The more I read and study, the more convicted I am that Christians (myself included) need help to live healthier lives.
Just for the heck of it, I searched the domain name healthyforchrist.com and discovered it was still available! Say what?! I really couldn't believe it was still available and only paused for about two seconds before I purchased it. Several years ago, I had an idea for a health and nutrition website, but with school, I ended up letting it go. I haven't kept my nutrition certification up to date and haven't maintained a healthy lifestyle myself, so that website idea was forgotten about... until recently. Now, as the proud owner of http://www.healthyforchrist.com/, I have found my platform. I hope to create a website that will help people to live healthy lives for Christ. This will include mind, body, and spirit as 1 Thessalonians 5:23 reads. For now, it's just a web page with links to my health and nutrition blogs, but keep checking back, and please follow along so that you, too, can be Healthy for Christ.
I love books, love reading and tried the book review blogging, but find that that just isn't my thing. I discovered that after graduation when I noticed a pile of read books waiting to be written about. The pleasure of finishing a good book was diminished as that pile waiting to be written about seemed too much like homework. So no, not my thing.
Then there's this blog, my personal blog. It, too, isn't my thing. Some thoughts just aren't meant to be shared and I'm replacing this blog with Penzu. I'm not cancelling this blog because I do want to focus on my writing and editing services, but there won't be much activity on here, at least not for awhile. I'm trying to find a good domain name to begin offering my writing and editing services, but my name is taken so it's been a challenge. I trust that it'll come to me, though, because I believe God gave me this gift and that He's got plans for me to use it.
The most prevalent of interests has been health and nutrition and how the Bible is filled with Scriptures about God's desire for us to be healthy. The more I read and study, the more convinced I am that it is no consequence that I was asked to take over the health and nutrition blog writing for my church. The more I read and study, the more convicted I am that Christians (myself included) need help to live healthier lives.
Just for the heck of it, I searched the domain name healthyforchrist.com and discovered it was still available! Say what?! I really couldn't believe it was still available and only paused for about two seconds before I purchased it. Several years ago, I had an idea for a health and nutrition website, but with school, I ended up letting it go. I haven't kept my nutrition certification up to date and haven't maintained a healthy lifestyle myself, so that website idea was forgotten about... until recently. Now, as the proud owner of http://www.healthyforchrist.com/, I have found my platform. I hope to create a website that will help people to live healthy lives for Christ. This will include mind, body, and spirit as 1 Thessalonians 5:23 reads. For now, it's just a web page with links to my health and nutrition blogs, but keep checking back, and please follow along so that you, too, can be Healthy for Christ.
Quote for Creatives
This blog started out as somewhat encouraging to those who read it. It seems like I have since been using this as a forum to complain, which is so not what I want this to be. I blame the Prednisone, haha! Legal crack, remember? It's as bad as drunk-dialing!
Anyway, I thought with school ending that I would write more. That really hasn't been the case, so then I just post whatever craziness is in my head because I am clueless as to what I want to write about. Totally clueless, but I came across this quote I just love. Those of you who are writers (or creative for that matter) will love it, too:
“If you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God ever turned out and sent rambling. You must write every single day of your life. You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next. You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads. I wish you a wrestling match with your Creative Muse that will last a lifetime. I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you. May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories - science fiction or otherwise. Which finally means, may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.”
Anyway, I thought with school ending that I would write more. That really hasn't been the case, so then I just post whatever craziness is in my head because I am clueless as to what I want to write about. Totally clueless, but I came across this quote I just love. Those of you who are writers (or creative for that matter) will love it, too:
“If you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God ever turned out and sent rambling. You must write every single day of your life. You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next. You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads. I wish you a wrestling match with your Creative Muse that will last a lifetime. I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you. May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories - science fiction or otherwise. Which finally means, may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.”
~ Ray Bradbury
Nuff said.
The Education System, Fat-Free Creamer & Crack
I've made my first pot of coffee in a long time this morning. I'm somewhat perturbed as I sip my coffee with FAT-FREE creamer. This stuff does not taste good. It's almost as bad as buying fat-free cream cheese or fat-free salad dressing, but for the record, I made the mistake of going to Getto-Eagle here in the North Side instead of driving the hike up McKnight Road. They are either out of everything or they've stocked their shelves different this week than they did last week. I know better than to go there for anything more than bananas and as I sip this nasty coffee, I think I might remember in the future.
Up at about 4:15am, I popped some prednisone and lay in bed snuggling with the furry child until it worked it's magic (the prednisone, not the furry child). For those of you who aren't familiar with prednisone, I call it "legal crack" and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If you don't believe me, you should have seen me organizing my tupperware cabinets by 5:00am. I'm sure I don't need coffee today, but it seemed like a good thing to do while I emptied the dishwasher and reorganized the pantry. Haha, just kidding. I didn't reorganize the whole pantry. Just a couple of shelves.
So as I write this, I contemplate the Facebook thing. No one understands why I cancelled my account on there (except my crazy Aunt P), and truly, I'm not sure what I should do. Facebook under my writing pen name is no fun because I only have like, two friends on there. Haha, kidding again. I think I might be up to five or six people now...
(Sighing.) So, the few people that even give a shit have text messaged me as to why they can't find me on Facebook anymore. Then I have to explain the story (clearly, they aren't reading my blog - you know who you are). In this day and age, the idea of cancelling your social media in any capacity is like "she must be on crack!" (Hmmmm...)
I'm just still irritated about people running to my boss about stuff I post. I mean, seriously, what are we, in junior high again? I'm a thirty $#-year old woman who has a mind. A damn good one if the 3.87 GPA I just graduated with has anything to say about it. I live in the North Side, I mentor teen girls stuck in the foster care system, CLEARLY I'm going to have an opinion about the lack of life-education our children receive. My dear friend, Loleda, has started an amazing program at our church for kids around about the junior high age. These kids will receive the training and experience they need to one day go out in the real world and get a job without having to ask the HR person how to fill out the forms. THAT is my point. That is my point in posting a comment about someone asking me a stupid question. Parents really need to do more for their children today if they are ever going to succeed in the real world.
Anyway, if I choose to reactivate my Facebook account, I'll probably get in trouble again (or "talked to" again) about this blog or some post, but do I even care anymore? I believe our education system is lacking and it isn't always the teachers who should be blamed. I believe as an HR person, I'm going to see where some of these holes are and I can more passionately promote programs such as the one my dear friend has started.
And to whomever has a problem with my posts or my blogs, please delete yourself off of my friends list, especially since you lack the courage to do what Matthew 18:15 tells us to in God's Word.
Up at about 4:15am, I popped some prednisone and lay in bed snuggling with the furry child until it worked it's magic (the prednisone, not the furry child). For those of you who aren't familiar with prednisone, I call it "legal crack" and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If you don't believe me, you should have seen me organizing my tupperware cabinets by 5:00am. I'm sure I don't need coffee today, but it seemed like a good thing to do while I emptied the dishwasher and reorganized the pantry. Haha, just kidding. I didn't reorganize the whole pantry. Just a couple of shelves.
So as I write this, I contemplate the Facebook thing. No one understands why I cancelled my account on there (except my crazy Aunt P), and truly, I'm not sure what I should do. Facebook under my writing pen name is no fun because I only have like, two friends on there. Haha, kidding again. I think I might be up to five or six people now...
(Sighing.) So, the few people that even give a shit have text messaged me as to why they can't find me on Facebook anymore. Then I have to explain the story (clearly, they aren't reading my blog - you know who you are). In this day and age, the idea of cancelling your social media in any capacity is like "she must be on crack!" (Hmmmm...)
I'm just still irritated about people running to my boss about stuff I post. I mean, seriously, what are we, in junior high again? I'm a thirty $#-year old woman who has a mind. A damn good one if the 3.87 GPA I just graduated with has anything to say about it. I live in the North Side, I mentor teen girls stuck in the foster care system, CLEARLY I'm going to have an opinion about the lack of life-education our children receive. My dear friend, Loleda, has started an amazing program at our church for kids around about the junior high age. These kids will receive the training and experience they need to one day go out in the real world and get a job without having to ask the HR person how to fill out the forms. THAT is my point. That is my point in posting a comment about someone asking me a stupid question. Parents really need to do more for their children today if they are ever going to succeed in the real world.
Anyway, if I choose to reactivate my Facebook account, I'll probably get in trouble again (or "talked to" again) about this blog or some post, but do I even care anymore? I believe our education system is lacking and it isn't always the teachers who should be blamed. I believe as an HR person, I'm going to see where some of these holes are and I can more passionately promote programs such as the one my dear friend has started.
And to whomever has a problem with my posts or my blogs, please delete yourself off of my friends list, especially since you lack the courage to do what Matthew 18:15 tells us to in God's Word.
Sigh, Whatever.
It has been a long, stressful week and I feel it. Unable to sleep when inflammation rules it's ugly head, I'm awake but only halfway functioning. Work has been so stressful this week and I see now how the effects of stress turn my body into a shaky, weak mess. I've been so fatigued this week and angry about it. Do you know I went to the grocery store and when I came out to my car afterwards, my car door was wide open. I left my car door open! My brain is so clouded with whatever disease my body is fighting and I am just angry about it!
I've been back on the prednisone (self-prescribed this time) because I can't stand not being able to function at a hundred percent. When I'm on the prednisone is the only time I have enough energy to get through the work day, but I hate taking it. I weened myself off it (yet again) like to doctors showed me, praying that this time would be for good. But one week off of it, I am tired and weak and so sad about it.
I've worked so hard to change my diet and get my rest and to think positive. Touting "I'm not claiming whatever is going on with my body" and telling anyone who cares to listen that my goal is to be off at least four of the seven meds I take daily by Labor Day. I'm studying Scripture, praying more not just for myself but mostly for others, gave up so many foods and drinks. I've been back to church the last two weeks, taking the Treasures of Healthy Living bible study class (which I absolutely love and recommend). I'm very strict with my time, staying home to rest so much more, yet I am tired today and the stress of work does not help. Even as I type this, my arms and hands feel droopy and strained from the effort. My mind, wide awake, my body still asleep.
Each day this week has been challenging, yet I say nothing at work because no longer do I want to voice those words. But they are in my head and on my heart and I'm missing hours as it is because I've gotten up so late in the mornings. Mornings just suck, my body dragging, my mind murky. I contemplate missing work today, but my paid time off is already sparse and I paid $20 for a ticket to this evening's festivities. I don't want to go, but I promised a friend we'd go together. Okay, I practically begged her to be my date so I feel obligated, but I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can do another evening in the heat (Tuesday, I had free tickets to the game and took one of my foster girls).
Anyway, I'm just done. I'm just done. Whatever.
I've been back on the prednisone (self-prescribed this time) because I can't stand not being able to function at a hundred percent. When I'm on the prednisone is the only time I have enough energy to get through the work day, but I hate taking it. I weened myself off it (yet again) like to doctors showed me, praying that this time would be for good. But one week off of it, I am tired and weak and so sad about it.
I've worked so hard to change my diet and get my rest and to think positive. Touting "I'm not claiming whatever is going on with my body" and telling anyone who cares to listen that my goal is to be off at least four of the seven meds I take daily by Labor Day. I'm studying Scripture, praying more not just for myself but mostly for others, gave up so many foods and drinks. I've been back to church the last two weeks, taking the Treasures of Healthy Living bible study class (which I absolutely love and recommend). I'm very strict with my time, staying home to rest so much more, yet I am tired today and the stress of work does not help. Even as I type this, my arms and hands feel droopy and strained from the effort. My mind, wide awake, my body still asleep.
Each day this week has been challenging, yet I say nothing at work because no longer do I want to voice those words. But they are in my head and on my heart and I'm missing hours as it is because I've gotten up so late in the mornings. Mornings just suck, my body dragging, my mind murky. I contemplate missing work today, but my paid time off is already sparse and I paid $20 for a ticket to this evening's festivities. I don't want to go, but I promised a friend we'd go together. Okay, I practically begged her to be my date so I feel obligated, but I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can do another evening in the heat (Tuesday, I had free tickets to the game and took one of my foster girls).
Anyway, I'm just done. I'm just done. Whatever.
My Hiatus from Thinking
It's been forever since I've posted. My book review blog Beloved Books isn't any more active. As much as I think about blogging and writing, I've been on hiatus from anything requiring me to actually use my brain. I graduated on May 5th with a 3.87 GPA from Geneva College with a BS in Community Ministry. For those of you non-Christians, it's kind of like Social Work for Christians. :0)
Anyway, working full-time and taking classes part-time for the last 5 years took its toll on me and I have done a whole lot of nothing since graduation. I've watched a ton of Netflix on my new Nook tablet, played tons of video games on my Android, and have managed to finish reading a couple of books (that I haven't blogged about because that requires thinking...). Zeus is happy mom is home so much, although he has been caught giving the evil eye to my electronic devices. When he isn't glaring at them, he's trying to lay on them or knock them out of my hand with his nose.
It has all been perfect timing, however, because I've been up to my ears in summer staff hiring paperwork. I think we've had about 50 new hires come on in the last month. My title at work finally got changed from "Support Coordinator" which only managed to confuse people to "Human Resource Generalist." I had to find a title that would include the many other projects passed on to me because HR is only a piece of my job (although a very large piece!). So I have had to think since graduation, but anyone who works with me can probably tell I'm on this brain/thinking hiatus. Normally the one who knows everything, follows up with everyone, and gets back to people right away, I am living in a fog. People are actually having to follow up with me, which of course makes me feel like a big slacker.
I have kept up with my Healthy for Christ blog. That also requires me to think because I'm usually researching whatever I write about for the week.
Speaking of writing, I started attending a writing group that I'm SOOO excited about! These people are
A.) Writers! and
B.) Working writers!
People that are actually published and continually working on getting published. Like, some of them have even gotten paid and stuff (no joke)! In Virginia, I wrote almost daily and hung out with writers, active writers, and it was really good for my flow, you know? With school over, I needed something like that here. I was apprehensive to find a writing group because let's face it: there are A LOT of weirdos out there that call themselves writers, but I am happy to say I love this group. Making writing part of my daily life again is one of my goals for this summer.
My other goal is to just focus on getting healthy again. I really need to eat better and take better care of my body. I am being treated for rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, but I claim neither of these diseases. I'm in week two of a class called "Treasures of Healthy Living" and I couldn't be more excited about it. This class is taking us through Scripture to show you how God wants us to be healthy. He designed us to be healthy, He calls us to be healthy, and He has given us all the tools we need on this earth to be healthy. The Bible is our instruction manual for being healthy, but as Christians, we never look at it that way. So, I know I will learn a lot through this course and think I want to teach it next semester. We'll see how it goes. By Labor Day, I want to be off of at least 4 of the 7 prescriptions I take on a daily basis. I want to get healthy again, and as I slowly come out of my brain/thinking hiatus, I hope to be writing about my health in the months to come. :0)
Anyway, working full-time and taking classes part-time for the last 5 years took its toll on me and I have done a whole lot of nothing since graduation. I've watched a ton of Netflix on my new Nook tablet, played tons of video games on my Android, and have managed to finish reading a couple of books (that I haven't blogged about because that requires thinking...). Zeus is happy mom is home so much, although he has been caught giving the evil eye to my electronic devices. When he isn't glaring at them, he's trying to lay on them or knock them out of my hand with his nose.
It has all been perfect timing, however, because I've been up to my ears in summer staff hiring paperwork. I think we've had about 50 new hires come on in the last month. My title at work finally got changed from "Support Coordinator" which only managed to confuse people to "Human Resource Generalist." I had to find a title that would include the many other projects passed on to me because HR is only a piece of my job (although a very large piece!). So I have had to think since graduation, but anyone who works with me can probably tell I'm on this brain/thinking hiatus. Normally the one who knows everything, follows up with everyone, and gets back to people right away, I am living in a fog. People are actually having to follow up with me, which of course makes me feel like a big slacker.
I have kept up with my Healthy for Christ blog. That also requires me to think because I'm usually researching whatever I write about for the week.
Speaking of writing, I started attending a writing group that I'm SOOO excited about! These people are
A.) Writers! and
B.) Working writers!
People that are actually published and continually working on getting published. Like, some of them have even gotten paid and stuff (no joke)! In Virginia, I wrote almost daily and hung out with writers, active writers, and it was really good for my flow, you know? With school over, I needed something like that here. I was apprehensive to find a writing group because let's face it: there are A LOT of weirdos out there that call themselves writers, but I am happy to say I love this group. Making writing part of my daily life again is one of my goals for this summer.
My other goal is to just focus on getting healthy again. I really need to eat better and take better care of my body. I am being treated for rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, but I claim neither of these diseases. I'm in week two of a class called "Treasures of Healthy Living" and I couldn't be more excited about it. This class is taking us through Scripture to show you how God wants us to be healthy. He designed us to be healthy, He calls us to be healthy, and He has given us all the tools we need on this earth to be healthy. The Bible is our instruction manual for being healthy, but as Christians, we never look at it that way. So, I know I will learn a lot through this course and think I want to teach it next semester. We'll see how it goes. By Labor Day, I want to be off of at least 4 of the 7 prescriptions I take on a daily basis. I want to get healthy again, and as I slowly come out of my brain/thinking hiatus, I hope to be writing about my health in the months to come. :0)
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