My Confession and Apology

I have recently been so upset over all the vicious things people spew on social media, more upset than usual. Whether I read a book review on Goodreads that curses out the Bible (and Christians) or whether I read an article posted on Facebook bashing the gay community (often by professed Christians), it just breaks my heart and I know it breaks the heart of Jesus. Today, I was reading the Bible and just wanted to share a verse, but the following is what came out:

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

Regardless of race, gender, age, sexuality, socioeconomic status, religion....... you get the idea. It is only through love, not hatred, that people can see Jesus. Hatred in the name of Jesus defiles his love and isn't FOR his name at all, but is AGAINST his name.

And like my brave and loving friend, Erika Chambers, I am filled with a desire to confess and apologize to any that do not believe in Jesus (and to any that do).

I confess and apologize for being judgmental to you instead of being supportive. I apologize for not listening when you needed me to. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable or unworthy because I recognize that I have done so. I apologize for doubting you, for acting superior to you, for not loving you as Jesus loves you. And he does love you, just as he loved me - even when I was cursing his name and the name of his father. And I did. Too much trauma I have been through all the way back to my birth and after I lost my great aunt and uncle - my surrogate parents - I hated God. I hated him and cursed him and threw all my religious artifacts (many from my beloved great aunt) in a box I shoved in a closet. I kept them because of her, not for any God-is-real reason.

I know many of my long-time friends are unaware that their "always has been spiritual" friend (me) had done such a thing, but that is because I was trying Buddhism and Wicca and other things out so I guess I still seemed spiritual. But I cursed God and told him to leave me the %$#@ alone, get the $%&@ out of my life because he was nothing to me and I lived many years hating all things religious.

But God loved me still. He loved me still and he wants me to love others as he has loved me.
I am not perfect and I am better than no one. I am deeply flawed, but because of Jesus, I am better than I used to be. A massive work in progress, I am vowing to love you more and I wholeheartedly apologize for all the times I haven't.

One thing specifically I feel I must confess is my absolute anger at parents of obese children. I have made hurtful comments and posted articles not in a helpful and loving manner, but in an angry and derogatory way that does nothing but cause pain. I have not loved like Jesus. Meanwhile, I lie in bed sipping my Java Monster or sit with Netflix while binging on alcohol (which, thankfully, I have recently given up) or ice-cream. I confess to being a health hypocrite and apologize to those parents, Christian or not, that I have hurt and scorned, again from my judgmental and superior disdain.

I am posting this with nothing but a desire to love you more and if these words are somehow offensive to you, I ask that you please refrain from mean and nasty remarks, but as I am trying to be better, to love better, explaining to me in a helpful way would be welcome. I will have to delete any hateful-type of comments that may be posted because nowadays, you never know what words may be triggers and again, that is not my intention.

The Dutiful Daughter

My devotion today was in 2 Corinthians 2 where Paul is speaking to those in Corinth.  He spoke of him who has caused you sorrow (some versions read "grief" or "pain") and that you should forgive him and comfort him. 

Are you kidding me?!  Like, how does God do that??  I get the text from my sis that my dad relapsed last night and may have surgery today and then I read this devotion, about forgiving and comforting the one who has caused you grief...  unbelievable!  And it isn't even the forgiving part because I dealt with that a long time ago.  It's the comfort him part.  Does he really deserve any comfort from me?

I groaned out load to God and huffed "fine" with my lips in a childish pout.  So on my way to work, I called my dad like I always do when he is in the hospital, the good little daughter.

The Horrible Daughter

I was facilitating at a seminar today.  When it was over, I received a text message from my father.  My father is the last man on earth who I would ever think I'd receive a text message from, but there it was.  I also had a voicemail from him.  He's in the hospital ... again.  He goes in practically yearly with bowel problems I'd rather not discuss.  Backtracking, he had a stroke about 23 years ago and the doctors gave him five years to live.  He's still kicking and still a horrible father.  To type that, I feel bad.  See, I forgave my father some time ago, but because it is not healthy for me to have him in my life, I don't speak to him.  I do call him every time he lands in the hospital because I just feel bad for the bastard.  He has never known love.  Not in his own childhood, and not now.  I picture him lying there in the hospital, all alone and confused, with a possibility of dying and I end up calling him (he lives in Utah).

I didn't call him today, though.  I cringed when I read that text.  If I reply to him via text, he will text me for the rest of my life (or his).  I'll never get away from him contacting me.  He is like that, and with my 13 year old little brother currently in the custody of my older sister, I can only imagine the text messages my father will send me every time he is cursing her out on the phone and she hangs up on him.

He will never learn and will never change.  Vicious, manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive...  Even his voicemail was filled with him trying to make me feel bad so I would call him.  He told me that I am the only one that calls him, that I am the only one he can talk to because my older sister and younger brother will only text him.  Well, they did call once and my sister did stop by the hospital once, but I'm the only one he can talk to.  What in the world he's talking about is beyond me because I NEVER call him.  Not on his birthday, not on holidays, and when he calls me on my birthday, I don't answer the phone.  He is just the same man trying to make me feel bad, trying to manipulate me into calling him. 

I may have called him if he didn't leave such a ridiculous voicemail, but I just can't have that in my life anymore.  I refuse to let anyone treat me the way he has always treated my sisters, my mother, and my little brother.  There is no hatred in me.  The anger and bitterness is gone and for that I can only thank God (and the Beth Moore bible study "Breaking Free").  It was clearly the grace of God that freed me from the bondage I was in because of my father.  I saw him for the broken man he is and my heart changed, but today I am ambivalent.  I'm sooo very tired of having to play the good daughter and call him every stinking time he lands in the hospital just in case he dies and I end up regretting my decision not to call him.

I know these are horrible things to verbalize, especially in a public blog, but why blog or even write if we can't learn and grow from one another?  I've been through a lot in my life, but I've also come a long way to get here and I'm not afraid to share who I am, even if it's the ugly parts in me.  We all have ugly stuff and I don't have the energy or desire anymore to wear a happy mask and pretend I'm not struggling.  I did that for years and I was miserable (I feel pretty darn good about my life right now, I might add).  I want to be transparent enough to one day help someone else who goes through what I've gone through.  Everyday after breakthrough healings isn't going to be peachy and today is one of those days as I wonder if I should call my father and if that makes me a horrible daughter.