Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Freedom-Bound I Be

Do you ever want to just hit the trail and go?  Put the car in drive and speed towards the horizon as though you'll catch the sun.  Run away from it all, start again.  Find a hut on a beach, sell lots of coconuts, and make lots of babies who run around half naked and tan in the freedom of the wind and seas.

Oh, how I want to run, but this time I'm just too tired.  Tired of being everything for everybody when I don't even know how to be anything for myself.  Tired of people dying.  Tired of not being able to grieve because I have to be strong for everyone else.  I'm tired of having to smile at you when I really wish you'd never looked my way in the first place because I feel like a donkey's ass today.  Donkey's asses do not smile.  I'm tired of having to be nice to you when I know you'll be the first one to tell my boss's boss that I swore in my personal blog.  I'm tired of being the strong one and I'm tired of being afraid no matter how strong I act.  Tired of the fear that is so deep in me, as deep as the Nile is long.  I just want to be real, and raw - authentic in my skin without being considered crazy or dramatic or un-Christian.  More than anything, I want to be FREE...

Away from it all, run far away, never to look back, and I'm always happy to do so (I've been known to cross state lines from time to time).  But not anymore.  Not anymore.  I am weary and God won't let me run again.  I would go and never look back, but He says no.  "No, you're not running anymore.  You're going to sit still and be.  No, you're not going anymore.  You're going to sit still and listen.  You're going to look back and see why, then you're going to peel back every putrid layer of decaying history and see why some more.  You're going to see who you truly are - real, raw, authentic in your skin.  It's going to hurt, but I promise you that you will finally be free.  Free to love, free to be, free to truly follow me."

So here I go, my first journey taken without ever going.  Here I be, sitting still to chase the horizon and catch the sun.  Here I am - real, raw, authentic in my skin...  and freedom-bound I be.