Thursday, April 19, 2012

In My Weakness...

I have been so drained these last couple of weeks.  Even taking a few days off from work did not refresh me as I worked hard to catch up on my life (taxes, laundry, vacuuming, homework).  I assume I had a "flare up" of this autoimmune disease and ended up taking work off on Tuesday.  My body just felt so weak that even holding a book was tiresome.  It is so frustrating to me, I can't tell you.  I dread getting in the shower because it literally exhausts me.  When I get out, my heart is beating like I ran a race and my breathing is labored. 

When I first got this diagnosis, I was so angry.  Actually, I was a lot of emotions and kept looking back over the past few years and feeling like it was so unfair.  All the doctor visits and tests and surgeries and medications... for approximately five years, I worked full-time, sometimes part-time, as well, and attended college.  At the community college, I was VP of Service for Phi Theta Kappa International Honors Society and also a college ambassador.  I had times that I would get so wiped out I would spend my days off sleeping, but who wouldn't with that crazy load?! 

As time went on and I transferred to Geneva, I found myself doing less and less, only I didn't know why.  Why couldn't I do all the things I used to?  Why am I so worn out?  Why do I always feel like crap?  All I knew was that life became a struggle.

Then finally, a diagnosis, and while there was relief to finally know why I have struggled so much, I was angry at all I've been through.  How ironic, I thought, that the medicine won't start working until I graduate.  I was angry that I have pushed myself so hard over the years, struggling and struggling to maintain the pace I once did and having no one to help me.  I was angry at the stupid doctors that sent me for test after test after test with no relief.  I felt like they weren't listening to me.  I felt like they didn't believe me.  I constantly worried over work, missing it or not performing well.  Why did I have to go through all of this?  How many days have I laid in bed crying because I was exhausted and overwhelmed, not knowing I was sick.  I felt as though something inside me died only I didn't know what died or why it died.

This morning, I was praying, not about this, but thanking God for helping me write a paper this morning, one I didn't think I would get done.  He woke me up at 4:30am and I stayed up and wrote this paper when I had no intention to.  I had made my pot of African tea and sat down to read Scripture but this paper came to my head and I wrote it.  So I was thanking Him because I know it was God helping me and then it occurred to me:  He has always been helping me.  Through the agony of the last few years, I thought I was alone, but I wasn't.  God was with me, sustaining me.  I graduate in 16 days and 8 hours and 52 minutes (but who's counting?!) and it is because of HIM.  I will be graduating with somewhere around a 3.8 GPA and it is all because of HIM.  God got me through.  On days I couldn't do anymore, He gave me what I needed to accomplish what I needed to.  God in His unfailing love and grace sustained me.  In my weakness, I was strong (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I just really wanted to share that with you today and hope it encourages you.  God is with you always, dear friend, and He will sustain you always, even when you don't realize it.  Thank You, Jesus!

2 comments:

  1. I always ask myself-"Where would I be today if He wasn't there to guide me & give me strength through so much in my life". No, i don't read the Bible like you, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe that He is watching over me.

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    1. I agree wholeheartedly! Of course He is watching over you! Christianity isn't some legalistic religion that it has a reputation of being. How I become close to God and grow in my faith is unique to only me, as it is for everyone. That you KNOW He is with you no matter what is the true blessing. It is unfortunate that there are those who think they are too "sinful" to be loved by God and watched over by Him, for if we saw ourselves as He does, if we saw HIM for who He is, we would know, always know, that He is with us, guiding us and giving us strength no matter what. I have to constantly check myself with some reality because when I have been too busy or tired to really study the Bible and I only read a couple Scriptures, I risk that legalistic voice in my head condemning me for not being a better Christian. I'll start comparing myself with some friends of mine that are ALWAYS studying Scripture and find myself lacking. That's when I have to say, "Get behind me Satan!" because God knows my heart and He knows what I can and can't do, and Praise Him for He loves me still! My relationship to Him is unique to me and between Him and I, just as yours and everyone else's is unique and just between Him and you. :) Thanks for sharing!

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