Thursday, July 21, 2011

A Poem

I wrote this around my first anniversary as a daughter of Christ. I was sitting in church next to my dear, inspiring sister in Christ, Sheran, when this happened and I went home and wrote this:


A TEARDROP FELL

In broad daylight
a teardrop fell.

I don't know why,
but then I do.
There is so much feeling, Lord,
it overwhelms me.
You overwhelm me.

I wonder how I can
even exist with this love
so strong it only grows
and I feel as though my
fragile and damaged heart
will explode.

I could lay on the floor
face down, arms spread,
and wail with something
uncontrollable in me,
new to me,
but Sheran pats my arm
and assures me that
I am not alone, that
I'm not crazy and she tells me
this overpowering love,
Your love,
I don't need to fear,
I don't need to run from.
This love cannot hurt me.

In broad daylight
a teardrop fell.


Poem revised on April 23, 2015

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Early Mornings

There is nothing I love more than my early mornings spent reading Scripture and being with God.  I make my coffee, grab my journal and bible, and sit on my kitchen floor to read, write, pray, and hear from the One who loves me more than I could ever even imagine.  With Him, I can lay down all my troubles, all my joys, and all my flaws.  With Him, I can be me.  No mask, no trying to think before I speak, no trying to sound wiser or smarter or more righteous.  No hiding for He knows me more than I know myself.  For someone who is labeled "control-freak" by siblings (and ex- roommates), how energizing and refreshing it is to let go and just BE.

When I fail to arise early enough to do so, it's as though something is lacking in my life the entire day.  I miss God all day long, and if I allow myself to fall out of a pattern of these early mornings, it isn't long before I start crumbling.  When my soul becomes so weary that I find no joy in things I once did; when I'm in a crowded room full of friends and feel utterly alone, I can connect this disconnect to a break in my early morning moments with God.  He is my strength.  He is my Protector.  Without Him, I cannot live.  More importantly, Jesus gave His life for me.  His LIFE!   The least I can do is spend time with Him each day (doing something that makes me feel so good anyway!!).

I wonder, how much time do you spend each day just letting go and being with God?  How well do you know Him who knows you so well?  Are you always tired, cranky with friends and co-workers, or just plain weary from life?  Then friend, I recommend an Energy that will never fade: Our Sustaining, Loving Jesus!

"To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me." Colossians 1:29

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Beginning

I start this blog in mourning. But though I have lost many loved ones, it is not them I mourn these days. I mourn the childhood of three little girls. For these precious girls, I mourn not only the childhood they lost, but the rich and abundant life they should have had in their adulthood. I know with every fiber of my being that God has been and continues to turn this horror (for abuse of a child is absolutely horrific) into something greater than I ever could imagine. For though I rarely trust anyone enough to open my heart, I mentor young girls in the foster system with no hesitation. For them, my heart is open before I even meet them. With them, I discover a love that I never had. Each of these girls takes a piece of my heart and soul without even knowing it and were it possible, I would open my home to all of them. 

God has placed in me a passion and a burden for these girls that I spent the early part of my adult life running from. I didn't want anything to do with the abusive life I and my older sisters were subjected to. I didn't want to face the anger and the pain that were buried so deep in me, disconnecting me from the woman God intended me to be. Not knowing my Savior, Jesus, I sought healing and redemption in all the wrong places. A student of life, I read every new age, self-help book I could get my hands on. If peace and happiness were offered, I absorbed it with profound desperation to free myself from the misery I ran from. I majored in Psychology to understand myself (and others). I investigated religion after religion (but never Christianity) hoping I would find the peace I sought.

I hated God, blaming Him for the wretched life I lived, the intense self-hatred that consumed me, but He loved me still and pursued my heart while I cursed His. One day, I felt His presence so strongly I could no longer deny Him. I began seeking Him and found the love I sought my lifelong. I found Jesus. 

Within months of giving my life to Him who gave His life for me, my passion and burden for these girls was revealed. While many things have inspired me and inflamed me only to burn out quickly, this has stayed, growing stronger and stronger with each seminar I attend, each book I read, and each girl I mentor. I have found my life's purpose. 

Through the ashes of my childhood, I have found the thing I was created for. I ask you, if you have not figured out God's purpose for your life, what are you running from? Is there a pain so great in you that you are consumed by it? If so, I wonder, is it perhaps the thing you have been created for?

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose."  
Romans 8:28